Welcome to the Bip Report Luau Edition.I tried to write this yesterday. But my computer froze a gruesome 4 times. Hence no Bip Report. Here is my fifth try. At least I learned after the first freeze, and saved my work before the second freeze.
Okay, I tried writing this earlier, and I was almost done. Then my computer froze. I almost cried. It was like an hour disappearing in front of me. Then I got mad. So I took a shower, calmed down, and now I am ready to give it another go.
"Pre Luau"
Lots of work went into our luau. I'd like to thank Greg Shimokawa for all the work he did. Also Kristi and Marlena, but they don't get the Bip Report. But everyone put in a lot of work to make this thing work.
No Pre Luau would be complete without some Kristi stories. Yes, all about Kristi and her fascist regime. So here are three of my favorites."Kristi and Jon van Horn"
Okay, Kristi is in charge of the whole luau, basically. And she is also one of the dance teachers. So this is what happened. We are at Kristi's, practicing "Ulilie" or "Mike's Dance." Kristi is watching and correcting and stuff. The first thing she does is tell us that we look weak, and unmasculine. Then she gives us an example of what we should do. She does the side step, grab thing, and says, "You guys are so sad. I look more masculine than you." Kristi is like 100 pounds or something. She is chokest skinny. So we were all like, "S---. We are more masculine than that." Nonetheless, she continues to believe she is more powerful than us, and bitches at us about how weak we are.
Then she watches us some more. We are doing the dance, and she grows more and more angry by the second. Finally, she errupts on poor Jon. "What are you doing here, Jon? You don't know what you are doing. Get out of here." And proceeds to kick Jon out of the dance. She refused to let him practice anymore, and he had to sit on the side. It took her like a week before allowing Jon back in, and he missed the International House presentation we did. Dick, Kristi."Kristi and the Directors"
The Directors are the other girls that teach us how to dance. They are the creme de la creme. The best dancers Cal Hawaii Club has to offer. They are like Michelle Cheng, and some other people that no one on this list knows, except Cal people.
They have a dance that is only them. Kristi was watching them practice. To me, their dancing was frickin awesome. I wish that I could dance that well. But Kristi was pissed. It was not up to par. So she started yelling at them. "You guys. That's soooo ugly. You aren't doing it correct. You have to dance like the music is flowing from you." Kristi was pissed some more, and yelled some more. Dick, Kristi."Kristi and the Tall-ies"
There was this dance that the girls did. They are Gayna, I think Eileen Wu, this freshman girl from Kam that is awesome at hula, Kamaile, and some other people.
Kristi watched them dance. After a while, she got pissed at them. It was not up to Kristi standard. "Okay, front row. You are terrible. Go to the back." So Gayna, Eileen, Kamaile, and the others went to the back. They continued dancing. Kristi grew angrier. "Okay, back row. You are still terrible. You don't know what you are doing. So you tallies get out of here." And she kicked them out of the room. Then she got mad at everyone else, and kicked them out too. They had to practice outside. Then we did our slap dance practice. Mike wanted the girls to watch for audience. But Kristi said no. They are still terrible. They need to practice. So we had no audience.
Another thing I found funny is that Michelle Cheng is in this dance. Michelle never gets mad. She is so calm and nice. But when Kristi starts bithcing, she starts looking pissed. It is funny to see."Resolution"
But Kristi means well. She can be nice. But once she is very much capable of bitching you out like no other. She is choke dick about it. She does whatever punishment she feels. In the end though, I learned to deal with her. I simply never treated her seriously. After learning this method, when she bitched at me, I would make a joke about it, and laugh. Eventually, she learned not to take me seriously. So she stopped bitching at me after that. That is how I defeated Kristi. She was super cool during the actual luau. She was very helpful and everything. A nice change."The Luau"
The Luau itself went very well. It was a bit long. And it started slowly. But it was not bad at all."Guests"
We had guest like Julie Shih, Pegge Lum, and Katy Linskey all the way from UCLA. And we had Davis people like Scott Aoki, Kevin Pien, and Christina "CT" Tom and her giant posse which included Raina, c/o 97."Our People"
A lot of people came to help and watch from Cal. I never saw Ward. Also I did not see Bret Heilig, but he is mostly mystery man. And I didn't see Darrell Sin.
We did have Stanley Yuen working tech stuff. We did have Amy Loomis watching. We did have Greg "Halau" Shimokawa dancing in not one, not two, or even three, but four dances. He had Carey we we Lew. Kristine "My Arms can Frickin Work you" Kaibara. David "Mun is the One" Mun. Gayna "I am Evil" Nakajo. Cindy "Freaky Deaky" Prentice. Eileen Wu, and Lauren Thompson.
We had Reese "Red Boy" Yorimoto. Mariel "Tendo" Kusano, and Mona "girl who's name I cannot remember" Higuchi.
We all represented in our own ways. Together, we made this luau good."Set Up"
We all got up at 8, and we had to set the place up. That was hard work, and very tiring. But we got it done. Then we had to make our funny dance too. But we did it. Thanks to Reese and his meal card for buying like $100 worth of drinks.
I only ate a nutragrain bar, and two small bowls of chili that day. That sucked."The Luau"
The luau went very well. It was long, sure, and it took us a long time to get the program started, but it was good nonetheless. The reason it got started late was partially my fault. I was in charge of script, which equals the actual presentation of the luau, as I discovered that day. This is due to Mike Yang saying, “Bip, brah! Bip Report! You gotta write the script!”“The Script”
The script had elements of Fang and Zion. It was about this guy, Kimo, who comes to Berkeley from Hawaii for college. He meets new people, yet through it all, just like our theme and the Justin song of the same name, He never forgets, where he’s from.
The script itself was pretty corny, cause I had to introduce the next dance with the script. Therefore, there were many lines like, “She is like the Green Rose, the one I esteem the most.” Followed by, “The Green Rose Hula, made by a lover for his….blah blah blah.”
But I think the audience liked the overt cheesyness of it.
I got approval from folks like Scott and CT. But most importantly, Kristi said it was good. This means to me, that it was good. Cause Kristi would have no problem telling me it sucked.“The Actors”
The actors were me as Kimo. Mike Yang played Grandpa, Michelle Yamada played Grandma. Elroy played father, and Jon van Horn played mother. Jon made a very good woman. He is the thickest woman to ever walk the planet. We made him nice breasts out of cups, and he had a wig too. His parents couldn’t even recognize him.
Woody played the Fang based roommate. He didn’t play him like Fang, but it worked out anyway. We had good chemistry on stage I think.
Kevin played the Zion based friend. He also didn’t play him like Zion, but again it worked out. Woody and Kevin did awesome jobs considering we never practiced or nothing.“The Dances”
The dances all went really well. All of Kristi’s grilling paid off I guess. I didn’t get to see most of them, since I was running around trying to set things up, and getting last minute things. But I saw some, and I obviously know what happened for the ones I was in.“The Haka”
This was the first dance. It was done by Solomon and Kory. It was pretty scary, since it is two 200+ pound Samoans looking like they are going to kill you. They did an awesome job. Then there was the Kahiko, that I never got to see.“Ulilie”
The first dance I was in was “Ulilie” or “Mike’s Dance” like we call it. I had to get ready choke fast for that. I was on stage to finish the scene, and had to go slow for the introduction of the song so Woody could change. I was already in the lava lava bottom. Then I had to take off my shirt, run to the group, someone gave me a lei, and we ran onstage. Everyone got a lei, except Carey. I thought that was funny, especially since you know, I only got it 5 seconds before we started.
The dance went well. We smiled. We did the moves right. Eric got things on time. It was sweet.“Slap Dance”
We finished up the 4 scenes, and then it was time for Samoan. I had to run back, and get ready choke fast. I pretty much stuck out my arms, and said, “Dress me in 10 seconds.” And I got the ti leaf stuff, and the short lava lava. And then we went out. It was pretty decent. It wasn’t as good as we ever did it though. We kinda forgot a part, when Mike never said, “Malose.” But minors. Also, I kept thinking my lava lava was going to fall off. I think Jon’s actually did. That sucks. Hard to build intensity if you are naked. Well, he had boxers or whatever, but still. You know what I mean.
But we put up a good show anyways. After the dance, some Samoan guy in the crowd said to me, “That was a really good slap dance.” And I felt all happy.“Funny Dance”
This dance we did to Kalihi Street Jug Band. This stupid country sounding song by C&K. When we asked Hoi if he had it, he denied vehemently. Then Jon found it anyway, and I guess Hoi pretended like, oh, fine. I guess I did have it.
Anyway, Reese was the star of our dance. He was a drunk guy. The rest of us were members of the band, playing instruments like crappy uke, broom with string (that was mine), acordian made from filer, spoons, and bucket. Mike Yang was the singer. We just did a bunch of stupid things. I had a little show stealer part, where I did a little Lord of the Dance. I throw off my hat, pull down that little headband thing, and take off my shirt revealing the Lord of the Dance tatoo on my chest. Then proceed to Riverdance my way across the stage. That was pretty cool.
Scott later on said that this was one of the greatest things he had ever seen. He was amazed at how we could have created such an extraordinary dance, in one night, no less.
We also had problems starting it. Yes, technical difficulties due to dead batteries for the discman. Mariel’s boyfriend, David came through with the clutch replacement batteries, though. Good job, David.“The Luau goes oooon and oooon”
We finished with the last scene of my script, which led into “Never forget where I’m from.” We all came out to sing. It was clear that no one knew the words. That was kinda sad. Then we were going to sing “Hawaii Aloha.” But no. Solomon decided to sing Hawaiian Sovereignty songs. The thing is, it was already like 11:30, and people small kine wanted to leave. But Solomon sang on, and they did not get to leave. That was somewhat amusing. Finally we ended it.“After Luau”
After luau, and cleaning up, and dropping crap off at Marlena’s, we headed over to Woody’s. That was when I finally got to really eat. I was extremely tired at this point. I could hardly stand. I wanted to sleep. I was up since 8, and never sat down for the whole day up until then, 1 AM, for longer than 5 minutes. I made myself some kalua pig, rice, poi, lomi, chicken long rice, and I just sat down and ate. That was good.“Mike Yang”
The highlight of the after party is Mike Yang. By the time I got there, Mike was already buzzing. An hour later, he was ready for us to play with. We tried very hard to get Mike to do the slap dance, while drunk. But no, that was not to be. This is also when Mike delivered the line of the night. When we asked him to do the slap dance, he replied, “Okay. I gotta think about this logically. Number one, I am small kine buzzed, number two, I just had a couple of smokes, number three, I think you guys possibly trying to take advantage of my situation, so no. No, I not gon do um.” We kept trying, but Mike refused. Then Kory came up to him, and made him do it. That was good fun.“Scott Hirokane”
Scott Hirokane was there. He stayed for longer than 5 minutes, breaking all past Hirokane records for party attendance. Where is the idol? Where is he? Damn.“Keg Stand”
Mike made me do a keg stand. That was the only drinking I did that night. He grabbed me, and threw me in with Kory, Elroy, and a bunch of other guys, who are all drunk at this time. And they all want me to do this keg stand. I think, “I have to think about this logically. Number one, I have never done this before. Number two, I am not familiar with the upside down drinking position. Number three, really, I cannot even pound water, cause my throat cannot swallow fast. Number four, Mike Yang possibly trying to take advantage of my state.
But anyway, I had no real choice, and I did it for all of 5 seconds, before getting covered in beer. That was pretty s---y if you ask me.“Carey Lew”
Then Mike went on to try to get Carey to drink. “Carey, brah. You never drink this whole year! You gotta drink with me one time!” Carey says, “No, Mike.” Mike says, “Okay. Here’s the deal. You know I can get enough people to make you do a keg stand. So you either get that, or you drink a beer.” Carey, “I’ll go get a cup.”
With about half the glass left, I tell Mike it is a good idea to make Carey pound the rest of it. Mike agrees, wholeheartedly. So Carey pounds the rest.
I swear, I could see the tears welling in Mike’s eyes. It was like a proud father. At last, his final goal had been fulfilled. He got Carey to drink. It was a proud moment for Mike Yang.There is not much else from the after party. Well. There was Cindy. But that is for another day. I guess that day will never come, too. But hey. Just ask Gayna.
So I guess that concludes this Bip Report Luau Edition. Sorry that this thing is fat as hell. But it is the whole story, plus you never get a Bip Report for three days. And after tomorrow, you might never get one again.
So until tomorrow, diamonds are forever, and so is Luau.
BIP