Welcome to the Bip Report.
"Spring Break Update"
Okay, the Price is Right hasn't sent me tickets back yet, so I don't know. Who knows what Spring Break will hold. It's a big ole mystery.
"Hard Times"
Okay, I am being killed in school. I am pissed about it. My Econ midterm - not too good. I beat the median by one point, but crap. It still sucks. The test was choke long, and basically, it rewarded the morons who didn't really understand the stuff, but just memorized facts, because they could answer the millions of questions, while the people who knew what they were doing took too long thoroughly explaining them (like me and Mariel). So I am upset about the way the test was made. I am mad in general of how poor I am doing, but I'll be damned if I don't turn it around on this school. I am now determined to kill my Stat and Econ classes, just because they are pissing me off.
"Kiley to Cal?"
Kiley says he's coming to Cal too around March 16. Can there be any doubt that we are the nexus of the college universe? If there was, Brian Taylor might drop by too. Go Bears!
"Match-Ups"
"Inspector Gadget vs. Gizmo Duck"
This is a very even match. We have Inspector Gadget WITHOUT Penny and Brain (the dog), and her book that is possibly better than the Jr. Woodchuck Guidebook. And we have Fenton Quakshell as Gizmo Duck. Let's get it on.
The match would take some time to start. Inspector Gadget would be searching for clues and whatnot, when he would run into Fenton. Gadget would undoubtedly mistake Fenton for a MAD agent, and begin the pursuit. "Halt! Come back here!" But Fenton would be off and running. "Go go Gadget skates!" Gadget is off and after Fenton. It's time for a quick change! "Blabberin balbber scith!" And mild-mannered Fenton Quackshell becomes Giiiizmo Duck! Defender of Duckburg! GD would stick out his hand, all non-chalant expecting it to stop Gadget, but BOOM! Gadget just crashes into him, and works the crap out of both of them. They both get up, "So you're a tough guy, huh?" says Gizmo. "You MAD agents are all the same!" says Gadget. "Go go Gadget handcuffs!" "Oh no you don't!" And Gizmo pushes one of his buttons to make big clippers come out and cut the handcuffs. "Hey! That's it! Go go Gadget net!" And a net comes out of Gadget's hat. But GD pushes his buttons to grab the net, but instead FWOOM! He flies up on a rocket pack instead, bursting through the net. "Two can play at that game! Go go Gadget Copter!" And Gadget pursues. Gizmo Duck gets control of himself, and goes around to get Gadget. "Now I have you, evil doer!" And pushes a button to make a big ole laser gun. But Gadget is still going towards Gizmo. He's outta control! "Ah!!! Go go Gadget arms!" he says, trying to grab on to something to stop. But no. Instead, his coat gets all inflated. It is a Go go Gadget coat! Gizmo goes crashing into it, and bounces off...all the way down. KABOOM! Gizmo Duck's pieces go flying everywhere, and Fenton is left in the rubble, all dizzy. Inspector Gadget is the winner!
"Josh vs. Nabs"
This match, we have Joshua Ka'akua vs. Noah Unabia.
Josh: Hey Nabs. Try come here. I want to show you something.
Nabs: What is it, Josh?
Josh: Just, come here, and I'll show you.
Nabs: Okay. (Nabs goes over to Josh)
Josh: Try stand here...yeah. Right there.
CRUNCH! Josh gets in some mean hugs.
Nabs: Ahhhhh!!
BOOM! Nabs falls to the ground, a helpless mass of pillowy fluff. Nabs is out.
Josh: If ya smeeeeeell what the Josh is grillin!
Josh throws down his elbow pad. It's time for THE most electrifying move in sports entertainment today! Josh bounces off the ropes, and...YES! The DDC elbow!
One, two, three! It's over! Josh is the winner!
"Mole Patrol (Skin Cancer Mole) vs. Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh"
Rabbit comes out to his garden one day to find a giant mole has dug it up. "Oh dear! Oh goodness! What am I to do?" laments Rabbit. Then he sees the culprit. It is a Mole, wearing a straw hat, and a T-shirt with the words "Mole Patrol" emblazoned on the front. "You damn Mole! You tore up my frickin garden!" shouts Rabbit, "It's bad enough that Pooh keeps on taking my honey, now you gotta dig up my garden?! Boy, you better pick up my carrots!" Rabbit is pissed. He grabs the nearest hoe, and burrows into the molehole. "I'll teach you!" he yells. Mole only replies, "Be sure to check each mark on your body every time you take a shower. If you notice one getting bigger..." "I'll give you a mark!" yells Rabbit. He starts swingin the hoe around. "Get back here!" He's tearing up, the molehole! Dirt is flying everywhere! "Oh no!" cries the Mole Patrol, "I have all these marks! I can't tell if they're moles or dirt!" The Mole Patrol is distracted, and Rabbit comes in for the kill. KARACK! Rabbit is the winner. "Congratulations!" says Tigger out of the blue, "Cause that's what Tiggers do best!"
"Smokey vs. Yogi Bear - I suggest filling in your own Hanna Barbara sound effects as you read"
After a good day of telling kids that "Only you can prevent forest fires," Smokey is bushed. He is supposed to be on vacation, but when you are a Park Ranger, there is no rest. It just so happens Smokey is vacationing at one Jellystone National Park...trouble is a brewin'. "Hey, hey Boo boo! We gotta snatch us some picinic baskets!" says Yogi. "Oh dear, Yogi. I don't think the Ranger is gonna like this." "Hey, hey Boo boo! Remember, I'm smarter than the av-er-age bear!" Yogi goes to steal a picinic basket (whoop! whoo-oop!), but who should be passing by but Smokey. "Hey! That bear is stealing picnic baskets! Stop!" "Uh oh, Boo boo! The Ranger is after us!" "Stop, stop!" shouts Smokey. "We'll just sneak away, Boo boo!" (tinky tinky tinky tinky tiptoe sound) Smokey grabs Yogi by the back. Yogi proceeds to make walky motions, but goes no where. "Now where do you think you're going with that basket?" asks Smokey. "Hey, hey! You're bear like us!" says Yogi. He whispers to Boo boo, "This is our lucky day, Boo boo!" "Oh, I don't think Smokey will like this, Yogi." "Nonsense, Boo boo!" says Yogi, then turning to Smokey, "Would you care for a little bit of our picinic basket?" "Actually, I am a little hungry. What've you got?" says Smokey. "Well, let's see," says Yogi reaching into the basket (shuffle shuffle), "Hold on, it's..it's...some some creme brule! Hey hey!" says Yogi. "Creme brule?" says Smokey. "I'll just light up this match here, and fire it up!" "WHAT?!" yells Smokey. (chk chk match sound) "There we go," says Yogi lighting it. "AAAAARRRRRRAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" yells Smokey. He grabs a shovel! BAM BAM BAM! He beats the crap out of Yogi and pounds the creme brule into nothing, such as his birthday cake. "Oh, sorry Yogi. Remember kids. Only you can help prevent forest fires."
"Teela (from He-Man) vs. Princess Leia (in Jabba slave outfit)"
Okay, I will have pictures posted for this on my website, so as to aid the viewing pleasure. Check it out. www.fortunecity.com/campus/clemson/870/teeleia.html
Why choose this match? Well the outfits are an obvious connection. So lets start.
You might think that at first, the advantage lies with Leia. After all, the force is strong in Luke's family. His father had it. He had it. And...his Sister had it.
But really, Leia really never learned to master her force powers, so it is worthless to her. Teela, on the other hand, is the daughter of Man at Arms and the Sorceress. She is a warrior to be reckoned with. The fight starts.
"Oh no! There's a girl dressed in a metal bikini! Adam, find He-Man!" says Teela. Adam runs off, leaving Teela and Leia. "So, you wanna piece of me, do ya?" says Leia, "Well bring it on, sister!" Teela charges in with her pole/staff, but Leia dodges. She whips Teela over the back with her slave chain. "Take that!" Teela gets up. "You asked for it!" Teela jumps does a nice jump kick, and sends Leia sprawling. "Why you overgrown, loud-mouth, scruffy-looking, nerf hurter!" shouts Leia. "Hey! I'm not scruffy-looking!" says Teela. "Why you, little..." Leia mutters, as she charges in. She misses with her chain-whip, and Teela hits her on the back with her staff. "Ha! Take that!" Teela goes to hit her again, but Leia gets behind her! She straps the chain around Teela's neck! The lights are going out...everything is getting dark for Teela. But in a last second move, Teela drops down, and smashes Leia's chin on her shoulder! Unlike Jabba, Teela is not all fat and immobile. It's not over yet! "Ho, ho, ho! Ibi Leia! Ho ho ho!" says Teela for no apparent reason. Teela gets her staff. She hits Leia again! "Ahh!" screams Leia. "It's lights out for you, Princess!" says Teela. POW!! Leia is out! Teela is the winner! He-Man comes running in a little too late. "Teela, are you okay?" "Thanks, He-Man. I took care of things here." All of a sudden, BAZAM! A blaster shot from above! It is Han Solo! ZAP ZAP ZAP! He takes out Teela! He goes to Leia, and picks her up. "I love you," he says. "I know..." replies Leia, "Now go get them!"
NEXT TIME: Han vs. He-Man
Okay, that's all for today. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is...I dunno. Stuff.
BIP