Welcome to the Bip Report.
"Answering Machine"
I changed my answering machine message today, at long last. What is it? Well, to find out, you're just gonna have to call:
(510) 704-0390
"Fang's Answering Machine"
In related news, Fang changed his answering machine. As we know, Cody had put up quite a hilarious message up. But alas, Fang has changed his message. Originally, it said something along the lines of, "I'm a very important person, and don't waste my time by calling me." Except it was REALLY long-winded. It was longer than my message. My old message. It was frickin a novel on tape, including much stuttering, and not understanding what to say. Yeah Fang, who's wasting who's time now? Dumb f---.
But he remade it. I strongly encourage everyone on the Bip Report to CALL FANG. If you ever doubted me about him, if you ever thought, he's probably a nice guy and Bip is just vilifying him, if you ever thought I am exagerrating, I AM NOT. Call him up, and you will see for yourself. His number is
(510) 848-0627
I strongly, strongly urge you to call. If he answers, hang up. Call later and hope he is not here. I seriously think each and every person should call, and listen to the answering machine. It is a ten cent investment. You will hear how bad this guy is. You can hear the voice of Fang. Notice the FOB accent. Notice the total lack of understanding. Notice the most unacceptable and ridiculous claims ever laid forth on an anwering machine in the history of human existence. That is just a taste, when you call Fang Zhou (Fang Zhou) Fang Zhou (Fang Zhou). Call him up. You will realize what a moron he is. Everything I say will make sense to you. I could not ask for anything more from you folks.
So get your pencil and paper, and write down the phone number. STOP SCROLLING. Don't turn your back on me, sucka! Get your damn pencil and paper, and write it down. I can wait as long as you can. Go get your writing stuff, and write it down. Write. Keep writing. It's till on the screen at the top, you can still read it. Don't laugh, write. Scroll up, look at it, and write it down. Good. Now call that number.
"Holy Crap"
Okay, Fang...Fang is calling his friend long-distance. At BYU. He is telling his friend's roommate, also a BYU student mind you, that he is making a bet with his friend. He tells a BYU student, "Alright, well tell him that he's gonna be owing me some serous money cause the Utes are gonna kick BYU's ass." I can hear the other guy saying, "Uh, okay..." And then Fang hangs up. Fang never says, "Bye" or anything equivalent when he hangs up. He simply hangs up on you. He is a f---ing asshole. A prick, a jerk, whatever. You could call and say you're giving him a million dollars, and he'd still hang you up, like the bastard he is.
That's what he is. Technically, it's Friday, so I am allowed to vent.
"I will physically beat Fang"
At the end of this semester, I plan to physically beat Fang. I intend to break bones, and draw much blood. This, of course, is following my forceful eviction of Fang from my room. I hate Fang. I sincerely, honestly hate Fang. I have never known true hate until now. So in honor of this hate, I will make a list, such as the type of list that you normally get forwarded to you, and is about true love or friendship.
"Hate List"
You know you truly hate a person when:
1. Looking at him/her utterly repulses you.
2. You cannot even bear to look at him, without getting mad.
3. You get angry when he seems to be enjoying himself.
4. When he laughs, you get choke pissed.
5. You look for ways to destroy his life.
6. You are outwardly a dickhead to him, and forget all normal social restrictions.
7. You would like nothing better than to get a bat, and beat the crap out of him.
8. When you get E-mail surveys, and a question is, "How would you kill someone?" You do not answer, "I wouldn't," you answer, I would cut off every finger, every toe, hands, feet, ears, nose, etc. until there is nothing but a torso and head left. Then I would throw him into a water tank, filled with tiny sharks, that couldn't kill him, but could seriously maim him. Then I would laugh as he drowns, since he has no limbs. And did I mention the sharks have freakin' laser beams attached to their heads?"
9. You take the time to critisize every single action he makes.
10. You constantly attempt to screw him over, such as tricking him at daylight savings time, or changing his answering machine message.
11. You encourage him to smoke weed, when the weed is really nothing more that crushed dried leaves that you found on your way home from the DC.
12. You throw things at him, and pretend it was an accident. Then you do it again.
13. You set up various traps for the person, such as locking him into the bathroom.
14. When he talks, you seriously want him to shut up. And you think the best way to achieve this is to put your foot down his throat.
15. You look at his food, and you think, "Arsenic or cyanide?"
16. You enjoy referring to him as "BItch Boy," or "Slut Dog"
17. You laugh at his failures. In his face.
18. When he is happy, you try your damndest to make him not happy.
19. If he starts talking about something good that happened to him, you immediately say, "Shut the f--- up!"
20. You're normally a nice person, but when you talk about him, you the world's biggest asshole...next to him.
That's the list.
"OH MY GOSH!!!!"
Oh geeze!!! Cody just walked in here...and he has made a most terrible discovery indeed. For those of you who are easily offended, well you're probably offended by now. But okay, the thing I'm about to tell you, Cody's discovery. I swear this is NOT for the faint at heart. This is some sick s--- coming at you. Really sick, and not appropriate for all people. The scary thing is, this is entirely true.
Okay, I'm going to say it, and DON'T BLAME ME if you get angry or disturbed, as you will be. Okay.
Cody just lifted up Fang's sheets, exposing a rather large wet spot. Fang is claiming it is saliva. In the middle of his f---in bed? And it's f---ing surrounded by this f----ing white s---. Relate this to several days ago, when Fang, up until 6 AM on his computer, woke me up to the sound of this furious pumping, and a shaking of the bedframe, the likes of which I have never felt before. That's right, mattress babies. And I think we found the child. This is some seriously sick s---. I swear I am not making this up. This explains why the place has been smelling extra bad recently. This is a most terrible thing indeed. I don't know what to do. My mind is creating defense mechanisms as I write, to repress this most heinous memory. S---.
"I'm sorry"
I'm sorry folks. Fang has just taken me to the limit. This has got to end. I am going to have to put an end to this somehow.
"Big Game"
Well on to greener fields, and I actually mean greener fields, the Big Game is coming up this Saturday. I propose the people coming here meet up for a post-game dinner. Jeff desJarlais, Bryan Taylor, Christina Tom, Christina's roommate, you can all meet up with us Cal folks for some after game eating and festivities. We will have to set a time and place. Okay. Okay. After the game, meet at the 50 yard line in the Cal student section, at the top, right next to the handicap people place. Okay. Meet Christina afterwards at the place she will be at. Okay. Get together, and go eat someplace. Okay. Good. The plan is set.
Well that's all for now. I know I have already shattered the Fang promise, but I can't help it. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am pissed. I am truly mad at him, and am fully ready to rage on him. So apologies if this offended or whatevered you. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is the destruction of Fang.
BIP