Welcome to the Bip Report.
Someone tell me if this bcc thing is working. Is there only your own name? Someone. Please.
"Stop sending things to everyone"
We've had this problem before. Why, oh why, do you people (*glares at Ryan and Kano*) feel it neccessary to use the Bip Report mailing list for your own purposes? Some of these things can be told to just me, instead of everyone, so just send it to me. I like getting them, but some people don't, so don't reply all.
"Match-Ups"
Okay, I seem to be lacking in the Match-Up thinking department. I don't have the ability of the DDC to think of good match-ups. But here goes.
Justin Vedder vs. Mutant Crap
Vedder thinks hes finally found something he can beat. It's just a pile of crap after all. But this is mutant crap. It can walk around and stuff. Vedder tries to smash the crap, but the crap is too quick! It positions itself under Vedder's other foot, and WHOOPS! he slips and falls on his ass as he did so many times in the Big Game. The crap goes for the kill and power bombs Vedder. Winner, a piece of kaka.
Liono, Lord of the Thundercats vs. He-Man, Master of the Universe
We'll say that the Thundercats are attacking he Masters of the Universe. Adam would be sitting around, eating his chicken, with the meat that keeps on replenishing itself after every bite he takes (you know what I mean right? They keep on biting that s---, and it keeps on coming back. It's the never ending chicken!). He'd look out the window, and amidst all the funky trees stands Liono. Uh oh. By the Power of Greyskull, He-Man jumps into action. He shoots his sword at Cringer, and boom, Battlecat. They go off to get Liono. Liono whips out the Sword of Omens, and makes it extend all the way, and it's on! A vicious battle ensues. Neither one is willing to back down, and they're both flipping and jumping and whatnot. But He-Man gets Battlecat in there, and knocks over Liono. It looks like it's over for Liono, but wait! Thunder- thunder- thundercats, HOOOOOOOOOO!!!! And Battlecats eyes start glowing. He's under Liono's control! And pounces on He-Man! There's no way He-Man can take both Battlecat and Liono at once, so Liono is your winner.
Old School T&C Thrilla Gorilla vs. Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong's initial attack, would of course be to throw a bunch of barrels at Thrilla Gorilla. But Thrilla Gorilla is a surfer and a skater, and would olly over the barrels. So Donkey Kong has to up the ante, and start throwing firey barrels. And everybody knows you can't jump over those fiery barrels. Now Thrilla is in trouble! He takes to the surf, and just cruises out there, until Donkey Kong gets tired of throwing fiery barrels. And now it's Thrilla's turn! He paddles in, and charges Donkey Kong. You'd think Donkey Kong would easily win in this hand to hand fight, but Thrilla Gorilla has bwide variety of other beating squads. Bottom line, Thrilla is a ruff guy. He ties Donkey Kong into a pretzel or something, and gives him a swift kick in the arse. Winner is Thrilla Gorilla.
Sugar Hill Gang vs. The Furious Five
The top two groups of old school rap battling it out! This conflict was already well documented in the classic song "Showdown." However, no clear winner was ever determined from that song. The Suger Hill Gang takes no jive, they take no mess. They're the Sugar Hill Gang, and they're the best! So pick your weapons, whatever you choose. Reply the FF, "We don't need none, huh, cause we CAN'T lose!" You know who's gonna survive? The Furious 1-2-3-4-5!
In terms of numbers, the Sugar Hill Gang is but 3. But what a three! Master Gee, Big Bank Hank, and Wonder Mike are good enough to take on any other three! But the Furious 5 is obviously five. Plus they have Grandmaster Flash, who is like 2 people right there. And Melle Mel too.
But they go in to battle anyway. I'd say the true winner of this match is whoever is watching. Cause you'd see some frickin awesome action going down. The wits, the raps, the ryhmes...excellent. But I'm going to have to go with the Suger Hill Gang to pull off the upset. Big Bank himself is going down in the hall of fame, cause he's the one who shot Jesse James. And all the ladies agree, there's no one sweeter than the Master Gee. When he gets in there you can sense the danger, when you're stung by the rappin' ranger. Wonder Mike's name is known all over the world by all the pretty ladies and the foxy girls. He's going down in history, as the baddest rapper there ever could be. These reasons are enough to say that the Sugar Hill Gang would prevail. I don't know how, but damn it, they would.
Fang vs. a Bottle of Boones
The Boones kicks Fang's ass from here to Utah. In Utah, Fang disses Mormons, and Ryan Tanaka kicks his ass back to Cal. And then I kick his ass after that.
"Raw Report"
My only question is, why Shawn, why? This latest developement has led me to one, and only one conclusion. Team McMahon, Team Corporate, is the frickin awesomest team ever assembled. Long live Vince!! Don't cross the boss! Boo Rattlesnake! Boo Stone Cold! When you have The Rock and Shawn Michaels under one team, and you throw in Shamrock and a totally revamped Big Bossman...well hell if anything can stop that. Long live Team Corporate!
Oh yeah. My choice for the next up and coming superstar? The new light-heavyweight champion...crap, I can't even remember his name. Well the name is unimportant. What matters is that he reminds me of a young Barry Horowitz. And his music? It's frickin good as hell.
But all this light heavyweight talk arrises one question. What has happened to Taka Michinoku? Where did he go? Where is the Asian Pride? Last I remember, he hadn't lost the title to no Gangrel or Christian or whoever. WE WANT TAKA! WE WANT TAKA!
Okay that's all for today. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is the time it takes to connect to the Berkeley server.
BIP