Welcome to the Bip Report.
"On a Night When..."
Ladies and gentlemen! On a night where we have seen Bip have TWO papers due tomorrow, on a night when we have seen one of the most disappointing RAWs ever (except for Mark Henry and Duane Gill), and on a night where Fang Zhou actually rose his voice to me, we STILL are providin the Bip Report! That's right, the fans come first, and I promise you another SCINTILATING edition of the BR.
"Match-ups"
Samuel L. Jackson vs. Joe Pesci
Joe has already beat Luca Brasi, and with a win over Samuel L. Jackson, would establish himself as the premier movie hitman. But Sammy not going to take this lying down. Let's watch.
Joe's at a restaurant in Vegas having a nice burger, when Sam comes up. "Hey. How you doing?" "I'm fine." "Hey, what kind of burger is that?" "What the f-- you mean, what kinda burger is this?" "You know, like a Whopper or a Big Mac...You know what kind of burger is it?" "It's a f---in Big Kahuna burger." "Big Kahuna burger! How is that? I never get to eat that, cause my girlfriends a vegetarian, and I guess that makes me one too! Hey, you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?" "What do they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?" "They call it a Royale with Cheese." "Oh yeah. What the f-- do I care, uh? And who the f--- are you, anyway?" "I must have heard that wrong, cause it sounds like you just asked me who the f--- I am. Well I'll tell you who I am! I'm a baaaad muthaf---a, and I'm gonna be your worse f---in nightmare!" "Oh yeah? You know who I am, buddy?" "I don't care if you the queen of England, cause I'm gonna get medieval on your ass, muthaf---a!" Sam throws Joe down of his chair, but Joe gets up, and cracks Sam in the face. Sam throws Joe into his table and pins him down. "Are you a religious man? Have you ever heard of Ezekiel 25:17? The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by injustice and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill shepards his fellow man through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brothers keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike thee down, with GREAT vengeance, and FURIOUS anger, those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD, WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!" BLAM BLAM BLAM!!! Samuel L. Jackson wins.
Colonel Sanders vs. Ronald McDonald
The old Colonel Sanders would get rocked by Ronald. But the new Colonel Sanders is choke lively and animated. He bounces around the screen and does all sorts of things. Ronald always has his magic, but I'm thinking his magic is limited to disappearing, and reappearing in drawers or different rooms. So when it comes down to crunch time, this is not the greatest ability. Colonel Sanders wins, I think, because he is just so lively now. He'd run circles around Ronald, and say "I am a chicken genius!" Ronald wouldn't know what to do.
"A bag of Fang's soiled laundry vs. My can of Lysol spray"
My spray fights valiantly. It really does. It seems to be winning at times, and often it looks to be on the verge of total victory. But somehow, Fang's bag of never been washed laundry seems to regroup itself, and strike back with more force than ever before. It's like how when you lift, you destroy muscle cells, and they grow back stronger. Same deal here. The odor just comes back stronger. I think his laundry now contains bacteria that are totally resilient to any form of disinfectant.
"Bip vs. time management"
I'm going to say I am the loser here. Instead of writing my second paper, I am writing the Bip Report. And this is only after, well, Carey, Evan, and Kory know what. So yes, I am the loser.
"Star Wars Trailer vs. Any Movie Currently Showing"
Well, the Trailer is facing competition such as "Enemy of the State", "Water Boy", and "I Still Know What you did Last Summer." But I'm willing to say the 2 minute Trailer takes all these movies on, and beats them down. Water Boy was funny and all, but frick, it's the Trailer. It's so damn good, it's not even called a preview, it has it's own special name. I'm thinking the three second clip of the guy with two frickin lightsabers coming out of one thing kicks "Enemy of the State"s ass all by itself. And Samuel L. Jackson talking takes on "I Still Know..." Water Boy might be a tough one to beat, but I'm giving young Anakin fighting a whole bunch of Pre-TIE fighters the victory. The Trailer is simply awesome. It annihilates all competition. i'm thinking the Trailer is at least top 5 Box Office Money Maker this week if you count people who went to see a movie with the main purpose of seeing the Trailer, and the secondary purpose of watching a movie. And bonus points for people who leave after the Trailer is over. So yes, the Trailer wins.
"Fang Speaks out????"
Okay, I have an added grievance with Fang. Whilst his bag of soiled laundry was stinking up the room like a mofo, I was deciding action must be taken. "Fang, how bout you wash your laundry?" "Okay," he says. I wait about ten minutes. No sign of action. "Fang. Wash your laundry." "Let me finish my f---in E-mail!" What! What is this Fang?! Are you talking back to me?! Are you f---in talkin schmack to me boy?? S---! I am borderline pissed. "Fang, I want you to wash your clothes." "Why don't you mind your own business?" "This IS my business! It's f---in sticking up the room! i don't want to smell it. Wash it!" "F---! I'm going to take a bath first!" I thought to say something, but I decided that if he went to take a bath, that would also be a victory. So I let it slide. He finished his E-mail, and went to take a bath. One out of two, I thought. And then he came in and took his crap to the washer. So it all worked out, but I am most displeased with him swearing at me. Such actions will not be tolerated in the future. Very soon I will begin my process of antagonizing Fang, with the objective of provking a fight, and then beating the crap out of him, and taking his keys, so he's evicted from the room. My only fear of doing this is I don't want to beat Fang, and then have him have access to the room while I'm in class. What about all my stuff? This is also partly why I backed down from starting my Fang-beating project today.
Okay, I really should be writing my paper now. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is Mace Windu.
BIP