Do ya smell what the Bip is cooking?
Welcome welcome. I am schmall kine pumped after watching a FULL TWO HOURS of RAW/WARZONE. It was quite decent indeed, and after a good smack down laid by the Rock, I am all set and ready for this weeks edition of Bip Report Match-Ups.
Oh you didn't know? Your ass better caaaaaaaaaaaaaall somebody!!!
"Match-Ups"
The Predator vs. Zoe Tanaka w/ a Megaphone
Now we all know that the Predator is more or less a supreme killing machine. He even killed Jesse "The Body/Mind/Star/Pilgrim" Ventura. This is most definitely a worthy accomplishment. Plus the Predator comes equipped with missles, invisibility, and a big ass claw. And if he's Predator 2, he even gets a little Xena-style disk thing. So it seems inevitable that Zoe is going down. The Predator comes out ready to destroy Zoe. But the Predator, being an honorable warrior, sees Zoe and decides to go without the weapons. He takes off his missle, claw, and removes his helmet. BIG MISTAKE! Zoe is disgusted, and starts jabbering away at him. "Look at you! You're so ugly! No wonder you don't have a girlfriend! How do you expect to get a girlfriend like that? Look at your clothes!" etc etc etc. The Predator is totally unprepared for this verbal abuse, which is only multiplied by the megaphone. In shock, he steps backwards and entangles himself in the Tanaka family tree swing. His weight causes the branch to break and it crushes him along with several of Zoe's Mang friends, who are watching and smoking pakalolo. Your winner is Zoe, and Micah's question is answered.
Rocky vs. Bald Bull
Bald Bull would start out this fight with a good deal of trash talking such as Clubber Lang. Bald Bull is foked, and ready to go. But so is Rocky, and Rocky comes out of the bell swinging like there ain't no tomorrow. The first two rounds go to Rocky, and it looks like Rocky will be the early winner. But Bald Bull turns it up in the third. He starts battering Rocky to the point where he can hold him with one hand, and size him up for three or four seconds and then slam him. By the end of the sixth, Rocky is pretty much getting his ass handed to him. Then Bald Bull decides to go for the kill. He bounds back, and gets ready for the dreaded Bull Charge. Hop hop hop, BOOM. Since Rocky doesn't know how to block, he recieves the full fury of the Bull Charge, and Rokcy is hurtin. Rocky slumps top the ground, pretty much dead. The ref starts the count, and it looks like Rocky's out. But Mickey's not having none of this. "Get up you bum!" He gets in Rocky's face, and Rocky slowly gets up, just at the 9 count. The bell rings, but Bald Bull knocks Rocky down anyway, cause he's mean like that. But of course, there is no penalty for this, because it is Rocky.
Rocky has just about had it. "You gotta get the Eye of the Tiger!" Apollo shouts. Rocky starts getting it. He feels it coming. Eye of the Tiger. He goes out, and starts battering Bald Bull with renewed life. Bald Bull is pissed, and goes for an unprecedented SECOND Bull Charge. He comes back, but just before he gets the first punch, BAM! Rocky rips one into Bald Bull's head, and Bald Bull is out! 8, 9 10! Yo Adrian! Rocky wins! Rocky wins!
Luca Brasi vs. Joe Pesci
This match is mostly for Joey, but also for those who enjoy a good Godfather or Casino. Luca would come out looking to physically man-handle the smaller Pesci. Joe would be sitting down, making some business transactions with paper and pen. On Luca's approach, Joe looks at Luca. "What the f--- are you lookin at?" Luca is stunned. He was not expecting to have to talk. Luca is choke dumb, and can not speak without practicing 50 times before. So in bewilderment, he asks to borrow Joe's pen. "What you want this pen?" Joe replies, "I'll give you my f---in pen!" and Joe proceeds to vicously stab Luca. "Huh! You like that you stupid f---! You stupid piece of s---!" Luca slumps to the ground and starts moaning. "What's that? Do I hear a baby? Do I hear an f---in baby?!" And Joe proceeds to wildly kick Luca's body. End result, Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. Luca's only chance would be to set up traps before hand, a la Maculy Culkin. Joe would be too tempted to pull a piece of string in the middle of the room, and then BLAMO. Iron in the face. But since Luca is stupid, Joe Pesci is your winner.
Ash vs. a Zerg Ultralisk
Oh yeah! Come get some! Ash would first not want to fight. But the Ultralisk would come barreling in, and Ash would get have to get out his trusty boom stick. He would fire a few rounds into the Ultralisk, but the Ultralisk is too damn ruff. He has taken on many marines in his day, and Ash's boom stick does nothing. The Ultralisk gets in hand to hand range, so Ash has to turn on his chainsaw arm. After hacking away several times, Ash realizes he is doing nothing. The Ultralisk has also taken on many zealots, and does not care about Ash's chainsaw. So Ash has to wrestle down the massive Ultralisk. He picks it up, and crashes it over his knee, and the Ultralisk shatters like any cheap skeleton in Army of Darkness. Hail to the King baby. Ash wins.
Main Event: The Ninth Wonder of the World, Chyna vs. Xena, Warrior Princess
Chyna would come out looking very manish. Xena would undoubtedly be fearful of this shemale, but would fire herself up with a good shouting and leap over Chyna "CHEEEEEEEEYAAAAA!!!" She would land a couple good hits, but Chyna looks defiant. Churning with testosterone, Chyna would start annihilating Xena with massive hooks. Her manly arms would club the hapless Warrior Princess. Chyna would then give a mean glare at Xena, and give her a big D-X. In her lowest voice, Chyna would declare herslef the winner.
Okay, Matches are over. Girl readers who don't like this, you can start reading again.
"Math Midterm"
I took my math midterm today. This could be another match-up. But despite all my worries, I think it went pretty well. So long as e^x never equals 0 for any number "x", I think I'm pretty much safe.
"Some Kind of Dance Thing or Other"
Since I have CalSO orientation to get into the REAL Cal Berkeley, and not the infamous UCJuCo, I will not be able to go to Stone Cold University this weekend. So instead, I will go to some sort of semi-formal Dance Thingy. It is for AAA which is Asian Am Assoc. I don't know exactly what I'll be doing there, seeing as how I'll be in it alone, but I will try my best to represent the Islands in Aloha Attire and whatnot. Josh, this might be occasion to wear the choke decent Rich Man Cowboy hat, you folks got me. I'll of course let you know how things go there. Who knows? Maybe if I'm crafty enough, I can come home with a few numbers.
"Whoa! Caramel!"
Priscilla! There is CARAMEL CUBES in this candy bag! I am eating one now! Most excellent indeed! The Milk Maid caramel cubes! I love this stuff!
"A Hearty Thanks"
A hearty thanks goes out to Josh Ka'akua, who, along with roommate Daniel Kearsley, has donated $3.30 in coins to the Cowboy Fund! This whopping donation took three stamps to mail. I am sure Cowboy will enjoy the fragrance these coins also have, although it took me awhile to remove some wax that was also in the container. I am no expert, so I have no idea why wax is in there. Please explain.
Anyway, this contribution is the greatest so far, and I again thank Josh for his selfless actions for the good of his fellow man.
Also, um...Thanks Nolan for the quarter. I am not sure if this does anything, but every bit helps I suppose. While your contribution pales in comparison to Josh's most excellent donation, I am not going to criticize. Cowboy is most likely happy to get anything he can. I'm thinking of a possible lunch with Cowboy tomorrow. Very likely folks. Of course, details tomorrow. Funds for the lunch, would of course not come from the Fund, but from me.
And that's all folks. If you want the Bench Ohana weekly E-mail from the DDC, write to [email protected] If any Bench Ohana people want the Bip Report, or anyone for that matter, tell your friends that the Bip Report is always open to new readers. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is The People's Champ.
BIP