Welcome to the Bip Report.
"A Piece of Trash"
A Piece of trash like Fang is gonna get in the ring with me? All the moves in the world won't meet jack when he meets up with the Bip Cold Stunner! Oh hell yeah!!!
"Revelations"
I have decided. I will go through with the plan. I will raise some hell come Dec. 9. He packs on the ninth, and he leaves on the tenth. That means, a smack down and a half after he packs on Dec. 9. I don't want to do anything on the tenth, because under no means do I want to make him miss his flight. That's the last thing on Earth I want. So beat down on Dec.9, and send him home in a body bag Dec. 10. What made me decide this?
"The Decision"
Actually, our man D, without any knowledge of doing it at all, has helped me make the decision. D came over right, and I must say, my only description of him is that he looks very much similar to Kano's little brother. A striking resemblance indeed. At the BART station, seeing him, I was like, is this him? It looks like Kano's brother.
Anyway, D came over, and it mostly consisted of me tutoring D. However, D taught me a little lesson in how to kick ass in Starcraft. I was more or less humbled. It was the most intense Starcraft playing I have ever seen in my life.
So anyway, helping D, right. I could not help but think that this is very similar to Fang's new job. The job which he cites in his letter as helping his "financial situation" and s--- like that. I would have sympathy. I really would. If I knew Fang wasn't such a bastard about the job. His employer calls, he BSes a frickin good BS about his "amazing charm and skill" and after that, he slams the phone, without a "good-bye" or "thank you" to the lady, and proceeds to cuss her out. "Stupid b---! F---in b----! Calling me and wasting my precious time!" You heartless punk! Have some thanks, you jerk.
And then there's the actual kids. "I got to help out some stupid kids, teaching them how to add 1 + 1. F---in stupid kids. I hate kids. F---in kids." The only reason he is taking the job is because he gets paid $10 an hour, which is a crime in itself. He does not deserve this. Especially for doing a job he hates. All I know is, I loved my job. You should enjoy what you do. And you most definitely should not hate the people you have to work for, ESPECIALLY if it is a tutoring job.
All these thoughts went through my head. At the end, I thought, well shazam, I'm pissed. This is it. I enjoy helping people. I worked 5 years at the YMCA. I know the deal. Fang is a jerk. No letter will change that. So come hell or high water, Fang is going down in a big way.
"Match-ups"
Here some match-ups. Main Event is "Bip vs. Fang"
"Undertaker Symbol vs. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Symbol"
I'm thinking the Undertaker's symbol is a cheap forgery of Prince's symbol. Anyway, tthe Undertaker symbol would come out thinking it could crucify the Prince symbol. But no, this is just dumb. So the Prince symbol, which also doubles as a guitar, picks itself up, and does a good ol' Honky Tonk Man smash on the UT symbol. Winner is Prince Symbol.
"Star Wars Trailer vs. A Bug's Life, Rugrats Movie, Waterboy, and Enemy of the State"
I believe I already explained this match. But here goes anyway. Will Smith comes out all decked out and jiggy wit it. He thinks he's the king of Sci-Fi what with ID4 and MIB. So Samuel L. Jackson has to come out and set the record straight. The simple words, "You refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force. You believe it is...this boy?" And quick clip of bald Sam. Will is beaten. Then the Rugrats come out, thinking they all hot. "We got Mace! We got Mace!" They shout. Phil is the one they drop in the stroller, Chucky got the whole world on his shoulder. Tommy is the one with all exposure, etc. So the real rugrat has to come out and show them up. Little Anakin comes out, jumps into his frickin, whatever awesome spacecraft, and goes out to kick some TIE fighter ass. No amount of dinosaur cars, even with Mace and Blink in them, can stand up. Then come Bug's Life. Hey, hey. We're computer animated! Various SFX sequences throughout the Trailer come along and say, "So what, huh? You hot s--- or what? No." And then Yoda with hair comes out, and beats them down. Finally Waterboy. Adam is ready to open a can of whoop ass. But Bobby Bouche cannot handle the sheer powers of bad ass guy with two frickin light sabers coming out of one thing. The winner is the Trailer.
"Ninja Turtle Leonardo vs. Jay-Z, the All Black Ninja with the sock over the shoe"
Okay, with the backup of Timbaland, Jay-Z romps Leo. Are you a pimp jigga? Yes I'm a pimp jigga. We split the game jigga. Lobster and scrimp jigga. Ain't notin change jigga. We know the name jigga. And we came to put it down jigga. It could actually be any ninja. I just thought of Leo first. Jay-Z wins vs. any other ninja.
"Bubba's Shrimp List vs. All the Things the Dining Commons makes from Tyson Chicken"
There's baked chicken, fried chicken, oiled chicken, basted chicken, chicken stew, chicken sandwich, herb chicken, jamaican jerk chicken, sour cream chicken, chicken noodle soup, cream of chicken soup, chicken gumbo, chicken fajita, chicken lasagna, BBQ chicken, chicken adobo, szechuan chicken...I think thats about it. (PS all these have actually been served)
The Main Event
Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and girls. Children of all ages. Deeeeeegeneration X proudly presents, it's soon to be, 408 champion of TCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC, the bad ass Bippy Gunn, the Fang Age Beat Down!!!! And if you're not down with Bip, THEN I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA!!!!!
"Bip vs. Fang"
Bip delivers a brutal either Godfather or Stone Cold style lecture to Fang. The result is "Fang, now it's your ass." Bip pushes Fang off his chair, and pounces, Stone Cold style, and slaps Fang's head around. Bip opens the door, and takes the duct tape with him. He drags Fang out, and gets all in his face, at which point Fang thinks to fight back somehow. Bip blocks whatever attack, and slams Fang down. Bip puts in an arm bar, no double arm bar, and locks that s--- in place. The tape is then applied with the right hand across Fang's two hands as they are behind his back in the arm bar. Fang cannot get up, because Bip is riding legs or some s---. Fang is tied up, and Bip cackles evily. Fang is now making noise, and people are pissed since they are studying. Bip says, "Fang, that's not very nice. People are trying to study." SO he duct tapes Fang's mouth. Fang tries to get up, and Bip lets him. But Fang has no arms. So Bip is free to do the nicest double leg pick up slam takedown ever witnessed in the world. Never mind that I suck at double leg, he has no arms. I get his legs, and tape em up. At this point, I decide to have fun. I get an elbow pad, and proceed to immediatly remove it. Bounce off the walls, and apply the finest People's Elbow ever seen. I go back again and land a little Road Dogg jiggle elbow. And finally, a classic Hogan Atomic Leg Drop. I drag Fang back into the room. I get the shaver. In mockery, I lift the People's Eyebrow, and I shave off one of Fang's eyebrows. Then I make funky patterns in Fang's hair. I get some more duct tape, and put that on his leg hair area. I then proceed to talk s--- to Fang. As I give him a red line. Then I think, hey, he has a red line, he needs to match. So I give him red belly also. I tie some kind of string to Fang's legs. Then tell him to hop to the bathroom. If he fights back, I pull the string and whoop! Fang falls down. In the bathroom, I tell Fang he stinks. He needs a bath. So I give him a good spraying with the hose. Fang, the best way to dry is the air dry. So we have to get you outside. To the roof it is. I leave Fang there for about 10 minutes in the low 40 weather. I am not too cruel, so I give him a hot shower after. And let the heat frickin buuuuuurn that cold skin. Couple more slaps, and I'm done. I tuck Fang into his bed, and go to sleep. I wake up, and release him, knowing full well he cannot fight back in the morning if he wants to go to his midterm and his plane flight. Ahahahaha. Winner is Bip.
"The Speech"
How to deliver the speech though. My two options. Number one. Godfather style. I pick up Fang's letter. Fang, Fang, Fang. What have I done to deserve such disrespect? If you had come to me in friendship, then you would not have to suffer now. But when was the last time you ever invited me to eat one of your cookies, or your beef jerky, or popcorn, even though I am your roommate? Have I not always treated you well? Have I not always offered you my food? My li hing mango, my kakimochi, my poi? And for all my generosity, what? Not even a simple "thank you." Fang, I have had many problems with you. Your total lack of morals. Your incredible stink. Your redundant conversations on the phone. Yet through all this, I accepted your faults. Now I say one word to you, and you yell at me. Is this justice? No. So I say to you now Fang. Your time has come. It's just business. But it's personal too. Tonight is the night that I settle all family business.
OR
I set up my computer, and I play Josh's Oh S-- clip at max volume. Fang, you piece of trash. I've had just about all I can take of your damn habits. And if you think this piece of paper can make up for all you've done, you've got another thing coming, son! *RIP UP APOLOGY* Bip doesn't cares about your financial problems, or your girl problems, or the damn stick up your ass. The bottom line is you're a jackass. So here's to ya! *GIVE DOUBLE FINGERS TO FANG* Now if you wanna see Bip react in a violent and physical way, gimme a HELL YEAH!!! Damn right!
I will count on viewer votes to choose which version I use on him. So cast your ballots. I of course need them by the morning of the 9th. Also, if you have extra ideas, I am open-minded.
So that's that. Another Fang Kickin Report. So until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is laying the smack down.
BIP