Welcome to the Bip Report.
"My Crappy Computer"
Well I finally figured out what is wrong with my computer. I think there is a conflict in the system with my ethernet card. So now I am trying to fix it. If one day, there is no Bip Report, for no good reason, I probably don't have my ethernet card in, and can't access internet.
I also ran into this problem today. I was having problems with no memory on my hardrive. So I cleared out a gig of memory. Then I downloaded two programs. I checked again, and I had 100 MB. Holy crap, that is small. I can't do anything with that. So I uninstalled the programs. But somehow, I still have only 100MB. I was pissed. 900 MB just disappeared into thin air. I had to erase a bunch of Robotech Videos to get to 400. I am pissed at my computer. At least I don't have Cherynoble
"Match-Ups"
As you know, this is the fifth week without RAW. This sucks. So I have created some of my own matches instead.
"Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Man They Call Goldberg"
For starters, Austin is winning by name alone. What the hell kind of stupid title is "The Man They Call"??? Stupid WCW. But here's the match. It is announced by Eric Bichoff and Vinny Mac.
An expectant hush falls over the crowd. Suddenly, a post-apocalyptic music fills the air! Fireworks go off, and the crowd starts the familiar chant. Gooooooldberg! Goooooooldberg! Out from the locker room area comes Goldberg! Charging through the smoke, yelling! He makes his way to the ring, and awaits his opponent.
KSSSSSH!!!! It's the sound of broken glass! Dudu dun duh duuuh. Dudu dun duh duh duuuh duh. Vince: That's Austin's music, but there's no Austin! Where is he? That son of a bitch! Where is he?
Goldberg stands in the ring, grinning. Haha. That WWF wimp won't show up. I might as well take my car, parked conviniently in the walkway, and drive out of here the winner by forfeit! 234 for Goldberg! But wait! What's this?
Austin comes crashing in through the arena in his giant Big Foot 3:16 truck, smashing Goldberg's car into nothing! The crowd goes nuts! Vince is seen in the background mouthing the words "son of a bitch!"
Austin: Now if you want me to stomp a mudhole through Goldberg, and walk him dry, GIMME A HELL YEAH!
Audience: HELL YEAH!!!
Austin jumps off the 3:16 truck onto Goldberg, laying him out. Austin gets in his face.
Austin: How daya like that, you stupid sonofa bitch?! Here's to ya!
And gives him the finger.
Vince: Well Bischoff, how do you like that? Stone Cold Steve Austin has just defeated your Goldberg.
Eric: It's not over yet. Hey! Look at me! Still smilin! Still smilin!
Vince: Why don't you...SHUT your stupid mouth, Bischoff. Okay? I am in charge here.
Eric: Hey! Still smilin! Stiiiill smilin!
Vince: Now you listen, and you listen up good! I OWN you! I am the owner of this company! YOU work for ME!
Eric: Well ya see, not anymore, Vince! I run the WCW!
Vince: Yeah, that's the only thing an idiot like you could run. Hey, remember when I gave you a job as an announcer at the WWF?
Eric: Yeah.
Vince: Uh huh. I OWN you. Who's your Daddy, Eric? Who's your Daddy?
Eric: Hey! Still smilin!
Vince: Shut up! Remeber how much I did for you? I made you an announcer, I gave you a gift! And you just wasted it! Cause you're an idiot! Look at Jesse Ventura. He became a Governor. What the hell are you doing? Now shut up, and watch the fight.
Austin: Goldberg, you stupid piece of trash. Get up, cause Austin ain't done with your ass.
Goldberg gets up.
Goldberg: AHHHHHH!!!!!! WHO'S NEXT?!?!?
Austin: I don't give a damn about your silly catch phrase. Cause they just don't compete with the Rattlesnake. And that's the bottom line, cause STONE COLD SAID SO!
Austin flicks off Goldberg again. Goldberg is pissed. He runs and spears Austin. Then he sets him up for the Jackhammer! Austin's up! And yes! It is applied!
Eric: How do you like that, Vince? Hahahah! Now let me waste millions of dollars hiring celebrities to appear on Nitro! Can I speak to Jay Leno, please?
Vince: No, damn it! Get up, Austin! Get up, you son of a bitch!
Goldberg goes for the pin.
Vince: One, Two, Three! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! Ring the bell! This one is over! Austin has been defeated! Goldberg has won! Goldberg has won! Goldberg has...oh, no. Wait, wait. That was only two and a half! Austin somehow managed to kick ou!
Austin gets up slowly, as Goldberg looks shocked. Goldberg tries for the spear again! Austin dodges, sending Goldberg plowing into the unforgiving metal turnbuckle post! As Goldberg turns around, reeling in pain, he is kicked square in the midsection by Austin! He's going for it, YES!
Vince: The Stunner! The Stunner! It's over!
Austin covers. One, Two, No! Goldberg kicks out! He stands up to grab Austin into the Jackhammer, but Austin gets behind him, Goldberg turns around, and YES! It's another Stunner!
Austin goes for the pin again! ONE, TWO, THREE!!! AUSTIN WINS!!!
"Old School Hulkster vs. Hollywood Hogan"
The nWo music plays, and an old Hogan walks into the ring.
Hollywood: You know something, brother. The powers of the nWo can never be defeated. And Hollywood will reign supreme! And another thing...
Hollywood is cut short! Loud rock music starts blaring! BUM BUM BUM BUM BUBU BU BUUUU
When it comes pressing down, and it hurts inside! BUM BUM BUM BUM BUBU BU BUUUU
You gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide.
The Hulkster is coming out! He gets into the ring, and Hollywood clears out. The shirt is ripped off! USA USA!
Hulkster: You know something, Hollywood. The powers of Hulkamania can never be vanquished from this Earth. You see brother. As long as me and the little Hulkamaniacs do their excercises, and eat their vitamins, and say their prayers, brother, the Big Dude upstairs is gonna smile down on all the Hulkamaniacs. And make them the ultimate force in the entire Universe, brother. So watcha gonna do? WHATCHA GONNA DO, brother. When the power, of the Hulkster, and the Hulkamaniacs, and the of Hulkamania come running...wild...over...YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!
The match starts. It's an even battle, through and through. Neither can manage to knock the other one down. Big forearms, and big fists are flying everywhere. But still, neither budges. Then the Hulkster makes his move! He scoops up Hollywood, and body slams him to the ground! Hollywood runs out of the ring, and the Hulkster smiles in confidence. Suddenly, Big Poppa Pump, and the entire nWo come from behind, and start beating down the Hulkster! Hollywood reenters the ring, and the all out beat down of the Hulkster begins! Can anything be done to save the Hulkster? It looks like it is all over, when suddenly, from the back!
It's the Ultimate Male, Thunder Lips! He has come to save the Hulkster!
Thunder Lips takes out Hall and Nash, and sends the nWo fleeing! He grabs Hollywood, and delivers a backbreaker, as if he were Sly Stallone.
Thunder Lips: You can take it from here, brother!
Hulkster: Thanks, dude! Hulkamania owes you a big thank you!
Thunder Lips: Just beat this guy here, brother, for the one, two, three! Cause Thunder Lips is the ultimate male, and the only one fit to be in Hollywood.
Hulkster: You got it, dude!
The Hulkster bounces off the ropes, and lands the Atomic Leg Drop! ONE, TWO, THREE!!! It's over! BUM BUM BUM BUM BUBU BU BUUUU! I am a real American! Fight for the rights of every man! I am a real American! Fight for what's right, fight for your life!!!
That's all for wrestling matches. I am satisfied.
"Starscream vs. Leader-1, leader of the Go-Bots"
Starscream: HAHAHA!! I, Starscream, will defeat you, Leader-1! Then I will use your army of crappy Go-Bots to defeat Megatron, and take my rightful place as leader of the Decepticons!
Leader-1: Not if I have anything to say about it!
Leader-1 fires a blast at Starscream from his hands.
Starscream: HAHAHA!!! Your puny Go-Bot weapons do nothing to me! I am a Transformer, superior in everyway!
Starscream fires at Leader-1, nearly obliterating him! Leader-1 knows he cannot take Starscream in this kind of fight. He takes to the air, in jet form!
Starscream: You make me laugh, foolish Go-Bot! Don't you know I transform into a plane too?
Starscream transforms and pursues. He fires nearly hitting Leader-1.
Starscream: Stay...still! Let me blast you out of the sky!
Leader-1: Never! I'll get you yet!
Leader-1 turns around and fires back at Starscream. Direct hit!
Starscream: Ah!!! I'm hit!
Starscream crashes down near the Decepticon base. Megatron comes out.
Megatron: Starscream! You idiot! How could you lose to a Go-Bot?! They are inferior in every way!
Soundwave: Transformers superior, Go-Bots inferior. Eject, eject.
Megatron: No Soundwave. This is Starscream's fight. And you had better win, or else!
Starscream: Ah! Yes, mighty Megatron!
Leader-1 finds Starscream.
Leader-1: This doesn't look good.
Starscream: That's right! Take this!
Starscream fires, missing Leader-1, and knocking over some boulders.
Megatron: Starscream! Those boulders are heading for the energon cubes! This is the last time you ruin my plans!
Megatron works Starscream with his big cannon.
Megatron: And as for you, Leader-1. You mooching piece of crap! How dare you interfere with our marketing and sales! Take this! Kids could have been buying more Constructicon figures, instead of your lame ass Cy-Kills! DIE!!!!
Megatron fires, and blows Leader-1 away! Megatron is the winner.
"The Matrix vs. The Force"
The Force wins.
"Neo with the Matrix vs. Vader with the Force"
Neo: I know Kung-Fu.
Vader: I find your lack of confidence in my ability to kick your ass disturbing.
Neo: I am the one.
Vader: The Force is strong in this one. Wait a second. No it's not. Then your ass is mine, Neo!
FZZZM! Vader activates his light sabre!
Neo: Hah!
Neo swirls his arms around, looking like a Power Ranger, and ends up in a stupid position with his arms over his head.
Vader picks up various objects around the room with the Force, and starts hurling them at Neo.
Neo: There is no spoon. Ah! There is no crate. Ah! There are no bricks. There are no pipes, there.
CRACK, Neo is hit square with a rock.
Vader: All too easy.
Neo gets up.
Neo: Tank. I need guns. NOW.
Guns appear. Neo takes them, and begins firing! He walks on walls, jumps super high, thousands of bullet shells fall on the ground in slow motion.
Vader: Impressive, most impressive.
Vader sticks out his hand, and blocks every singly bullet. Then he pulls in all the guns.
Neo attempts to jump inside, and explode Vader. Vader sticks out his hand, and stops Neo midair.
Vader: Morpheus has taught you well. Now witness the true power of the Dark Side!
Vader slashes Neo in half. Vader is the winner. The Dark Side prevails!
Okay, that is all for today. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is the Force.
BIP