Welcome the the fight to determine the fate of the Bip Report."For those of you just joining in"
In yesterday's Bip Report, Bip Love was invaded and attacked by The Bip. What's more, The Bip was representing Bip (aka me) and challenged Bip Love to a battle here on Monday Night Match-Ups to see who the new writer of the Bip Report will be! Let's take it to prematch comments."Bip Love"
Well Bip, Bip Love doesn't like to get involved in this sort of thing. It really isn't my bag. But if you wanna be a cool swinger like me, and ya wanna get all the ladies, then you have to earn it. So The Bip. Tonight it looks like I'm gonna have to kick some Major Duty Booty! Owww! Have Mercy!"The Bip"
Now Bip Love, The Bip couldn't give two pieces of monkey crap about your candy-ass. But The Bip does know this. He set this takeover from the damn get go. If you look back to The Bip Love Report 2/12, you'll see that it was The Bip that sabotaged that piece of monkey crap."[email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
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IF YA SMEEEEEEEEELL WHAT THE BIP IS COOKING!!!
Return-Path: <[email protected]>
Received: from uclink4.berkeley.edu (uclink4.Berkeley.EDU [128.32.25.39])"And again in the Bip Love Report 2/13, you'll see my hidden message that BIP IS BACK. That just goes to show your ruuuuudy poo CANDY ass that The Bip is in charge. And once I walk down the Corporate Aisle, and get into the Corporate Ring, raise th Corporate Eyebrow, and deliver THE most electrifying move in sports entertainment today...You WILL smell what The Bip is cooking.
"And now"
And now the Match-Ups. Our first match pits two great combatants, both strong in the Force. But we will see who is the winner."Yoda vs. The Emperor"
A highly debated match. First off, you'd think The Emperor would win, because, what, he shoots lightning. But then you think that lightning is derived from The Dark Side. So Yoda can just cancel it out with his force. Essentially, it becomes a fist fight, since they are both choke strong with the force. Now here is where the two sides differ. Scott says that from here, Yoda wins, because he uses his cane to hit the Empreor such as R2-D2 in the Dagobah Swamp. But I'm saying no. That is exactly what the Emperor wants! "Yes, Yoda. Take your Jedi stick, and strike me! Strike me down with all your anger, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete!" "Mmm. Bad this is! Attack, must not. Powerful is the Dark Side. Hmm. Hmm." While Yoda is contemplating what to do, The Emperor begins cackling. "Hahaha! So be it. Jedi." and proceeds to beat Yoda with his frail old arms. And since Yoda is 900 years old, he can't take the abuse of even this 100 year old man. The Emperor wins."Luke Skywalker in X-Wing vs. Max Sterling in Veritech"
Our next battle pits Luke Skywalker, as the Top Rebel Pilot, and Jedi Knight against Max Sterling ace pilot of the Robotech Defense Force.
First thing first, the Veritech is in so many ways superior to the X-Wing fighter. The X-Wing is a good fighter, but can it transform into battleoid form? No. But still, Luke has the Force, so this may balance some of it.
Basically, the fight goes like this. Max comes in, flys circles around Luke, and fires choke missles while constantly transforming and flaring his retro boosters. Meanwhile, Luke is kinda sitting there, not knowing what to do. "Use the Force, Luke" says Obi-Wan, so Luke deflects the missles from hitting him. Instead of being pissed that his plan didn't work, Max is choke pleased. "Heeeey! You're pretty good!" he says. Luke tries to counter with his own laser blasts and proton torpedos, but to no avail. Max is whizzing here and there with the greatest of ease, and those missles and lasers aren't hitting crap. The battle rages for a few minutes in this see saw fashion, with neither being able to win. Until Max finally gets behind Luke, transforms and blasts him out of the sky. Winner is Max."SDF-1 vs. Death Star"
The Star Wars Universe is not too happy about its main character losing to Max. So the Death Star is sent to kill the SDF-1. The Death Star is huge, but the SDF-1 doesn't care. The fatal flaw of the Death Star is that it is choke easy to destroy. We have seen it be done twice, right? Meanwhile, the SDF-1 is taking out 4.8 million Zentradi cruisers with firepower equal to a small nova. The SDF-1 simply manuevars behind the Death Stars laser. It comes up on that sucker, and BOOM! Daedalus Manuevar in the trench area. Those Gladiators open up their cannons, and suckin send thousands of missles down to the reactor. As the Death Star is about to explode, The SDF-1 puts up its omni-directional barrier and absorbs the blast. Then it reacts, and blows up the Death Star another time. The winner is the SDF-1, easily."Lynn Minmei vs. Gem and the Holograms"
Upon their success with the Star Wars Universe, Robotech decides to let its singing sensation Lynn Minmei square off against the popular Gem and the Holograms. While Gem has experience battling the likes of the Misfits, she has nothing on Minmei. Minmei has destroyed armadas with her singing. She destroyed an entire alien culture. But Gem will not back down from that. She puts on her magic earings and BOOM! she's ready for action. Gem starts of with a little "Gem, Gem is excitement. oooo, Gem!" Minmei counters with a little "Moonlight, flashy, the feelings smashy." Gem is stunned by the lack of tone in Minmei's voice. But Minmei doesn't know how to fight or anything, so she doesn't take advantage. Instead she continues singing whilst flirting with Gem's boyfriend. Gem is pissed. She comes in and it becomes an all out chick fight. Gem is giving a good slap down on Minmei, and Minmei passes out. Gem raises her hands in triumph. But Minmei is never really hurt, but just enjoys pretending like she is. She stands up, but doesn't fight Instead, she continues singing. "Life is only what you choose to maaaake it. Let's just taaaake it. We will win! We will win!" All the while, she is swiveling back and forth. Gem is pissed and this obvious taunt, and goes in for the kill. But Minmei starts to pump her fist up and right, up an right. Gem is caught in the face by one of these many fist pumps, that Minmei enjoys doing, and is knocked out. Minmei wins! She is all giddy and annoying about it, but still yet, she wins."Bip Love vs. The Bip, representing team Biporate"
This is it folks! The winner of this match will go on to become the new writer of the Bip Report! Introducing the current writer, Bip Looooove!!!! And his opponent, representing Bip and the old Bip Report, The Corporate Champion, The Bip! DING DING DING!The Bip starts off with a series of kicks to Bip Love's midsection. "How do you like that, you damn jabroney?" The Bip throws Bip Love to the ropes, and OH! Clotheslines him to the outside! The Bip is getting on the top rope. This could be trouble, definitely a high risk manuevar..OH! He just smashed Bip Love into the Spanish Announcers table! "If your candy ass thinks that's good, you're in for a shock. Cause the bip isn't going to stop at the German Announcers table. He's going to march your ass down to the French announcers table, and the Spanish announcers table, and the Japanese table, and the Chinese table, until all the way down the line!" The Bip is picking up a chair now. No, don't do it Bip! No! no, and, OH! He just nailed Bip Love with the chair! "Your candy ass says..." "You'll have to kill me The Bip." What's he doing? What's The Bip doing? He's got a bell! he's got the bell! "Bells will be riiiinging!" DING! He's hitting Bip Love with the bell! He's hitting him with the bell! Now what's going on? He's got him on the Japanese announcers table.. and OH MY GOSH! "He just Bip Bottomed him through the table! "Know your damn role, Bip Love!" Where's The Bip going? He's going to the dressing room! What's he getting. Look! Look! It's Minmei! The Bip has Minmei! "Life is only what we choose to maaaaake it...Let's just taaaake it. Bip Will Win! Bip Will Win!" She's singing for The Bip. "Come on guys!" The Bip is signaling for more people! It's Yoda! Yoda is here! And The Emperor! "Hmm! Bip Love. Bad is he. Lose he shall. Mmmm?" Yoda is coming up to Bip Love. He's hitting him with his cane! He's hitting him with his cane! Bip Love is getting hit by Yoda's cane! And here comes the Emperor! "Yeees. Bip Love. You will sucumb to the Dark Side." He's shooting electricity at him! DEAR LORD, HE'S DEAD! "AAAAHHHOoooWWW!!! Haaaave mmmercy!" Yoda and the Emperor are teaming up now! "That's right, levitate that damn piece of trash right up on to the ring." Bip Love is being floated onto the ring! "Bip Love, you worthless piece of trailer trash, I'm going to show you why The Bip IS THE MOST ELECTRFYING MAN IN E-MAIL ENTERTAINMENT TODAY! He's setting up, yes, yes OH!!! IT's the Writer's Elbow! "If ya smeeeeeeell what The Bip is cooking!!!" The Bip is going for the cover...
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3!!!!! It's all over! It's all over! The Bip has won! Bip will now be in control of the Bip Report again!
BIP WILL WIIIN! BIP MUST WIIIIN! BIP WILL WIIIIIIN!"Meanwhile"
Meanwhile, high above the ring in an orbit around the Earth, the SDF-1 prepares the Macross Cannon for an assualt on Bip Love. "Lieutenant Hayes, prepare the Macross Cannon for fire." "Yes Admiral Gloval." "Macross Cannon is armed and ready, sir!" "Fire!"
*Robotech Theme Plays*
The Macross Cannon goes smashing into Bip Love! Oh my gosh! Ladies and gentlemen, we have witnessed the end of Bip Love."Bip says"
Thank you all for sticking with the Bip Report during these hard times. I know many of you have been longing for me to return to the Bip Report. Well that time is now! Because folks, diamonds are forever, and so is the BIP REPORT.
BIP