Everybody....yeah yeah
Rock your body.....yeah yeah
Everybody, rock your body right...
BIP IS BACK ALRIGHT!!!!!!Oh my gosh, I'm back again....
Gonna get rawdy rawdy bawdy bawdy. Ooooooo (say it with me) it ain't
my fault. I don't stop. I can't stop. You can't stop me. So, Don't
try! True soldjas. Don't die! I don't die! I don't die! I might
not tell ya to your face, but I hit cha unda the table, don't make me
feel yo potatoes, dont' make me devil your eggos...Well folks, yes I am back. In recent days, the Bip Report has been
hurled into great turmoil by the "piss poor" reporting by Reesey,
Carey Lew, and Gregaland. do do do, do do do...Well Greg actually was
not bad at all. Be sure to read this message again in about two weeks
when you get that song on the radio, and actually understand what I'm
saying. Actually, as Timbaland is the man from the big V-A, Joey, you
might have this song. Back to reporting, well in light of these
events, and some E-mails I have recieved from certain people, I have
decided to adopt some new policy on the report. First of all, I hear
there are a number of people who simply SKIM through the 10K or so of
the Bip Report. For shame! For shame! Well for those people, you're
readers too, so I've a little thingy ima do for you.I am going to put little headers above every story, so as you skim,
you can choose to skip certain stories. For example, say you don't
want to hear about Fang anymore. Understandable. I've been griping
about him since day 1, so a month later, you don't want to hear my
crap about him. So everytime there's a header named "Fang" skip it.This idea will help you read the report and go to stories you like.
The headers are nice little story splits. Vignettes anyone???Okay, Let's get on with it! (cite Roy Foker. That's for you Carey.
You mad, mad, mad, mad citing lunatic)."Ass"
Wierd for a first header ever, huh? Well it is. The other day,
Reese, the now much-hated Mang of Iolani, was telling me about some
sort of pysch experiment. Oh IMPORTANT reminder. Tomorrow, the also
much hated Carey Lew will be conducting a psych survey. I ask all
readers to please read and do the survey, as it is directly important
to his grade. Anyway, back to "ass," Reese tells me how they had to
smell various things, and one guy said something smelled like ass.
This reminded me of Crystal, a Baskin Robbins counterpart. One day,
she told me that the mop smelled like ass. I found this to be a
strange description of smell. But as I thought about it, I realize
that "ass" is probably the single most terrible smell that could
possibly exist.
Think about it. If you say something smells like s---, well you think
it smells bad. Likewise, as Nolan knows all too well in Hickville,
the fart smell is of equal repulsive magnitude. Now simple biology
tells us that both come from the ass. As the producer of the two most
socially accepted "stink" things, would that not therefore make the
"ass" the most repugnant of all? I think so. These are the
philosophic dilemas we face at quality higher education institutions
such as Cal Berkeley. For all the seniors, there's a place for you at
Cal!"Fang"
Well, some of you skip ahead, but I promise this is one of the best
Fang stories ever. It goes like this.
Yesterday, one of the guys in the hall, Cody, came over to our room.
Fang is talking on the phone to his dad, and I'm studying for math
midterm. He says, "Hey guys, what are you doing tonight?" Studying,
I say. Fang is still talking on the phone. Cody looks at Fang, and
does the drinky drinky, smoky smoky motions. Fang says (while still
on the phone with his dad, mind you) "Oh you guys are gonna smoke weed
tonight? I'll come." and hangs up. Now his dad has heard this, and
I'm like, um.......perhaps that's not something you should tell your
dad...Fang doesn't care.
So he goes over to Cody's and they smoke. Fang comes back in about
ten minutes later. "Good stuff, man Good stuff!" He's very exicted
about the weed. Well, after five minutes or so, Fang leaves the room,
and Cody comes in. "Hey Dan, hows Fang?" Fine, why? He just starts
laughing and says, "Is he acting like he's high?" Not really. "Oh
s---!" he says, "You know what we did?" Now the people on the floor
have begun to exploit Fang's following nature, and using it to their
own delight. So I had an idea of what was in store. Cody slowly
rolls into it, "weeeell, on the way back from the DC... Kinda picked
up a few dried leaves, a little bit of dead grass, crunched it up, and
threw it in a bong." I was on the ground laughing my ass (ugh!) off.
The plan was to see if Fang would pretend that he was high after
smoking this dried leaf mixture. When Fang came back in, Cody asks
him, "Hey Fang, you high or what?" "Aw man! I'm feeling kinda high
man!" Geeeeeeeeze Fang."Fang" another one
Last Fang story for a while guys. This one is about the always
present hygiene issue. There are certain things that people do on a
regular basis when they wake up. Wash out your mouth, take a piss,
wash your face, some people take a shower, most people eat breakfast,
brush teeth, shave, do hair, deodorant, change clothes, and make-up
for girls. Maybe not in that specific order, but before you're ready
to leave the house, you gotta do that stuff. Well here's how Fang
does it. Wakes up, puts on faded blue denim thing, picks up bag, and
is out the door. What?! Fang, you've skipped several steps there,
including the most important brushing teeth, and changing clothes
steps. The guy got up this morning, and basically walked out the door
to his class without doing nothing! S---! no wonder he's so stank!
I'm sorry, but you don't leave the house in the clothes you slept in,
that's number one. And you sure as heck do not leave without doing
anything at all to combat morning breath. I couldn't do it if I
wanted to! I mean your mouth basically feels all sticky and junky
inside, how could you not want to wash it out? Especially since he
doesn't brush before going to sleep! This guys mouth is a festering
pit of bad breath, germs, and the gum disease gingivitis! Listerine
would have a field day with this guy! Damn it! Fang also doesn't
shave. He has a little mustache thingy, but get this. Here's what he
does to trim his chin. He uses FINGER NAIL CLIPPERS! I am perplexed.
By no means is this efficient, by no means at all. Fang has been
wearing the same shirt for three days 24 hours a day, and the same
pants for four days."Weed" I lied. also Fang-related
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't weed the same as pot, aka
marijuana, aka pakalolo, aka hemp, aka buds, aka indoe, aka cannabis
sativa, aka spinach, aka hash, aka blunts, aka joints, aka finger
papers, aka sen sen, aka alice's kitchen, aka...well, etc, etc. Fang
says, "It's okay if I smoke weed, cause it's not like it's pot or
anything." What?!"Midterms"
Oh yeah, I finished these suckas. Let us never speak of them again."Manifest Destiny"
This is a little project that me and Ward have taken on. We
Punahounian settlers have come to California and Berkeley with an
inherent belief in our mind of our natural rights. We believe that it
is our God-given right to take over, to Manifest our Destiny, and
instill Punahou society onto Berkeley.
And we start with Rhetoric class! Now apparently, in the mainland,
the circle discussion typical at Punahou is not used. People were
shocked to find our desk configuration to be a semi circle. (People
were even more shocked when I manifested Advanced Writing destiny on
them, and sat on the floor with my make-shift afghan). The other day,
we were deciding on how to go about discussion of a reading
assignment. There were ideas of organized debates, question-answers,
and worst of all, writing papers instead. To this, I had only to say,
no, no, no. This is how we are going to do it. And I manifested
Punahou all over their ignorant mainland selves. I recommended the
standard Punahou technique of group discussion, where two sides
inevitably develop. I said there is one discussion leader, who sort
of moves it along if it's quiet, and the teacher sits on the side, and
takes notes. Very Punahou. And now, Berkeley is Punified!"The Care Package"
I got food today! Damn am I happy! Get this, 24 cans of Hawaiian Sun
Orange-Passion, baby! Diamond Bakery Animal Crackers! Royal Creme
Crackers! Soda Crackers! Li hing mango! Li hing rock candy!
Kakimochi! Bip is loving it! Celbrating the end of midterms indeed!
My dad's friend that lives here went to Hawaii, and brought this stuff
back. Damn is it niiiice."Sports"
Yes, Punahou did beat Iolani. Yes, Cal did beat USC. Yes, Cal will
beat UW, Oct.17 3:30 Pacific Time. And yes, the axe is ours!!!"Big Mo"
Thanks to Greg for this story. Do we all know Brandon Moriki? Big
man on campus? I personally don't care for the guy. He's too cocky
and whatnot for my liking, but if you're his friend, well, sorry.
It goes like this. Moriki was driving along, when some sophmore guy
kinda cuts him off. Moriki, being the big man on campus, gets mad and
calls him out. They go some park, and Moriki proceeds to say threaten
his much larger opponent. Present with Moriki is Peacock, Torres, and
another guy. Well, Moriki and the sophmore guy get into a fight.
Moriki proceeds to take out his knife. Thinking he will surely win,
Moriki goes at it, and proceeds to get his ass kicked. Peacock and
Torres stand around and watch this. I can imagine Peacock's
expression as this is happening. Sorta, oh well, there goes Big Mo.
and then he would go into his favorite story of how the Heffernans are
related to the Satterfields, and the Welchs, and the Ornellas. Sigh,
the good ole days...
Well anyway, Moriki is beaten up, and the cops arrive. Moriki is
ready to press charges, but seeing as how he started the fight AND had
a weapon, he was in no real place. The cop let him off, seeing he was
already sufficiently beaten. However, because of this occurence,
Moriki will now be attending Aiea High School. The sophmore has had
no punishment. I can imagine Moriki at Aiea attempting to pick fights
with the likes of Lizares (if he were still there, and not gassing
like there was no tomorrow) and others. Not a pretty sight.Well that about wraps it up. This has been an extremely long report,
but hey, it's the big welcome back issue! So blazow! I hope this
Report can help the slipping ratings. What with the Ryan&Nolan Report
team-up imminent and the piss poor Carey/Reese Report, we really gotta
kick it up notches unknown to man. But until next time, diamonds are
forever, and so is the Bip Report!!!!!!!!!