Ok folks. It's the Bip Report. And folks, let me start off with a
confession.
"The Confession"
Ok. All this Cal pride I've been putting off to the Stanford and UW folks.
In a way, it's misplaced. Or may be misplaced isn't the proper word.
More like, coming from someone who shouldn't say, namely me. Why? Well,
it's like this. I'm not really in Berkeley. I mean, I live in Berkeley.
My place is on Telegraph. But I don't attend the actual University. I'm
in the UC Extension Program, or what Scott likes to call, "UCJC" (Junior
College). Or perhaps, UCJuCo. Ward is in here with me. And Priscilla
(for all you Mangs). In the Spring, we join the regular folks at the
University. But for now, we're sub-human doofs, with joke classes such as
Rhetoric and Psychology. I don't know why we're in here. As far as I can
tell, I actually beat some out of state people in SAT and Cal configured
GPA. Why am I out? Who knows. Well, I'd just like you all to know that
I'm in the Extension UCJuCo until the Spring.
"Kicking UCJuCo's arse"
But while I'm here, I might as well kick UCJuCo's arse around the Bay Area.
They throw their junk at me, I hit it back at them. It's cake I tell ya.
Right back to the old theory. UCJuCo is cake. I got some stuff back
today, and I gotta say, it's cake. I even boosted my math grade up, so
it's cake. Cake, cake, cake. What'd you eat today Bip? Oh, in the DC
there was German Chocolate Cake. That was okay, but the best thing I ate
today was the Rhetoric Cake. That was pretty good. The Psych Cake wasn't
too bad either. On Thursday, I'm gonna get some PoliSci Cake. I hope
that's good too. The only cake that tastes bad is Math Cake. That stuff
is nasty. It taste like...like ass. But all the other cake is good.
"Fang"
Fang can be annoying doing anything. The boy simply doesn't know when to
shut up. Here are three little stories about him.
"Fang and Mormons"
Ryan, this is your reason to hate Fang as much as I do. As you all know,
Fang is from Utah. He has had a lot of exposure to Mormons, as one might
guess. The other fact that we must consider is that Fang has no idea of
how to conduct himself in any socially sensibel way.
Now for the story. Cody, one of the hall guys, told me this one. Cody and
Masoud (Cody's roommate) were walking down Telegraph, and Fang comes up and
starts following them. Masoud is also from Utah, and went to school with
this girl. A girl that Fang now believes he will go out with when he
returns to Utah (he didn't get the message with the UCLA girl). Now this
girl is Mormon. So Fang is talking to Masoud about her, and suddenly yells
out, "I BET THAT GIRL WOULD BE A GOOD F---!" Right on Telegraph Avenue.
There were four girls in front of them, and they all turned around and
stared at Fang. People on the street stopped, and looked up at him. Cody
and Masoud were dumbstruck. They sort of stopped moving, and Fang went on,
oblivious to the fact that he had just commited various social crimes.
But it didn't end there. They were heading up Telegraph, and they got to
Bancroft, two blocks up. They wait at the stop light. Fang is still
talking about this girl, and then again decides to yell out, "MAN, WHY
DON'T MORMON GIRLS F---?!" Again people looked at Fang, and again, he was
oblivious to what he had done.
When Cody was telling me this story he was all, "I didn't know what to do!
I was thinking, 'Fang, you can't say that kind of s--- in public!'" Indeed
you cannot Fang. You stupid, stupid man.
"Fang and Food"
Fang is the most annoying eater in the world. He has been denied access to
Boones for a week now, so his drinking has cut down. But he finds ways to
be annoying in terms of food anyway. He always drinks stuff. Storm (a
Sprite-like drink) and Minute Maid Orange are his favorites. He drinks
this stuff all the time. (You'd think this, combined with never brushing
teeth would lead him to have terrible decaying teeth, but he has avoided it
for now. I seriously hope he gets cavities, and has to suffer through the
pain. Fang is the only person who I truly wish ill will upon). It's very
annoying to see him drink it. He repeatedly takes small sips in quick
bursts, and it sloches back down each time. I'm pretty sure there's a good
deal of backwash going on there, with such a high sip/slosh ratio. Leading
me to say that Gayna and Cynthia...you DON'T want his Boones. And his
eating is the worst. The guy just smacks away. SMACK SMACK SMACK. It's
disgusting! It's even more disgusting when you look at his ugly face, and
see him smacking, and opening his mouth.
"Fang and the Dormguys Pranks"
As I've said, the dorm guys love picking on Fang. The head chieftan of
Fang picking-on is this guy James. Over the weekend, they sat Fang down on
a chair, got a heat lamp, and proceeded to interogate him for an hour, over
nothing in particular. I wan't there to see, but they said they got him
sweatin, and pried him over the stupidest things they could think of. They
also said they were going to impose a curfew on him. Pretty funny stuff.
Fang has been running away from home recently, and only coming back at
around 4 AM or so. The hall people were worried that they had made him
mad, and that they were going to lose their favorite toy. They wrote
messages to him (phrased as if Fang were a child) and sure enough, Fang is
back! He's in the room now, and it's 10! I liked it better when Fang was
runaway-Fang, cause he was never in the room. Oh well, all good things
come to an end.
Yesterday, they put a dead bug on his pillow. It was some sort of crazy
mainland roach, about an inch long. It was nasty. I went to sleep at 1
AM, and turned off the light. Fang came in later, and went to sleep. In
th emorning, Masoud came to the room to inquire about the bug. It was
still on the pillow. Fang had slept on it the whole night.
"Cowboy's Missing!"
I haven't seen Cowboy for the past few days. This troubles me. But I'm
sure he'll be back, so keep the pledges coming!
Okay, that's all for today. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so
is UCJuCo Cake.
BIP