Welcome to the Bip Report. Well have I got a lot of things to say today. Three big things PLUS Matchup Monday. How to start?
"Marilyn"
You are the bomb. You are the frickin bomb. You are sooooo frickin awesome. I am not sure you coprehend how awesome you are. It's like a damn atomic bomb went off when you were born, and that was you. The bomb. You are a hydrothermic, nuclear capable weapon of mass destruction.
Marilyn donated $5 to the Cowboy Fund.
"The Rock"
Oh crap! What is going on?! Regardless, I will continue my devout following of the CORPORATE CHAMP, the Rock! And when the Rock raises the CORPORATE eyebrow, and lays the Rock Bottom on Stone Cold, no one, and the Rock means no one, is gonna be able to stop him. And when the Rock lands the most explosive move in sports entertainment today, the CORPORATE Elbow, all of you pieces of trash are gonna smell what the Rock is cooking!
AND I found this guy that is an in-the-closet WWF fan. He watched the whole episode, he knew more or less the guys, and when the people he came in with left, he asked about the stories of various people that someone who didn't watch wouldn't know. Plus he got into a fight while watching Raw with this other guy. We had to break it up. He was talking on the phone, except it was a cell phone. And it had a earphone attachment. Some guy came in and said, "Why do you look like an AT&T worker?" And he was all, "What?" and threw his root beer bottle at him. The other guy got pissed, and threw it back at him, and it knocked his cell phone. So he's all, "Oh s---." and over the phone, "Hold on, I gotta kick some guys ass now." He jumped over the couch, and started wrestling the other guy. He got worked though. The other guy did a decent double leg, and threw him down Masaki style. Then they did some headlock crap, and the other guy picked him up, and threw him down again. Although the guy, drapped in DKNY and one pant leg up to his knee, was clearly a poser, I am happy to find at least one guy who watches WWF. This would have been a better story had he kicked the other guys ass, but that didn't happen.
"And the Big News"
Well, again I will have to break the Fang promise. But folks, this is THE BIGGEST FANG NEWS EVER. I walked up from watching Raw, and I turn the corner. What do I see? What the f--- do I see? I see Fang walking down WITH A SHAVED HEAD!!!!!!!! That's right, FANG HAS SHAVED HIS HEAD!!!!! I started yelling, and I ran back in a fit of laughter, and collapsed up against a wall. I had to spend the next ten minutes assuring Fang "It looks fine." But it doesn't. He looks like a frickin clown. The back of his head looks like someone just took a frickin weedwhacker throught that mess. This guy, David on the hall started making this total BS about, "Fang, you're acting like your hair was a rain forrest, and you've burned it down. Now we know that's no good! But you have to realize, it's not a rain forrest. You have to think like it was a pile of trash, and you just took the trash out." At this point, my lungs could take no more. I just had to leave, before the laughter killed me.
"Hair news"
I'm thinking about dying the hair myself, in honor of Big Game coming up. What do you think folks? Blue and Gold?
"Oh yeah, about Fang"
Fang also revealed his master plan for Winter Break. He has set a standard for himself. His goal is to have sex with 3 different girls. And he is expressing very little care if these fictional (and I mean fictional) girls where to get pregnant saying, "Who the f---- cares? It's not my problem." This is one of the many reasons why I literally hate Fang. I'm not just saying this, I HATE Fang. I plan to physically beat the crap out of him the day before I leave. Once I no longer have to room with him, I am going to kick the crap out of him.
"Match-Ups"
Alrighty. We have had some requests, but I'm not in the situation to tackle the emminent political news of the day, so no Bill vs. Saddam.
However, tied to the Presdient, and in the spirit of Big Game,
Chelsea Clinton vs. Oski the Golden Bear
We'll say for this fight that Chelsea does not have the luxury of secret servicemen. Oski would start off by pounding the first daughter with a fury of paws to the head. Chelsea falls over, and Oski continues to pummel. But Chelsea is smart. She calls out Chancellor Berhdal, and since the Chancellor has some sort of enormous stick up his ass, he would ban Oski from fighting. Chelsea wins by default. In the celebration, the Stanford Tree comes up to congratulate. Chelsea hugs the tree, and they parade around victorious, but whats this? The Tree has turned on Chelsea, and is beating the crap out of her! What's going on? The tree removes his costume, revealing the leader of the Phoenix Five. He has liberated the Tree, and allowed him to fully express what he thinks of the stinky Red University. GOOOOOOOOOO BEARS!!!
Cal O-line vs. a small squirrel
Sadly, the squirrel wins. Details are unimportant, suffice to say 5 large men are beaten severly by a small woodland creature.
Yet despite this most pitiful showing, the O-line will still be able to beat the crap our of Stanford Nov. 21. And Cal looks forward to having over 100 yards of offense. GOOOOOOOOO BEARS!!!
The Taco Bell Dog vs. Ten Jack Antennae balls (I will use Jacks instead of balls to describe them. Please, I seriously don't want any Clintonesque action here)
The Taco Bell Dog would win in a staight fight simply because the Jacks don't really have any means of offense. They just have their spliting wit, and whatnot. The only way they can pull off a victory is if they psychologically toy with the Dog. "Here I am!" "Or am I here?" AHAHAHAHAHA. The dog would go insane. Then Jack would come, and take that dog, and they use that dog to make sour dough Jacks and what have you. If they play the cards right, Jacks win.
I'm sorry, I am just totally thrown off by Fang's haircut, but I will try to go on.
Kanoe's growth rate vs. Growth Rate of Bacteria in Alcohol
Kanoe is the child that refuses to grow. She is never never land personified. But we all love Kanoe nonetheless. Now we all know from Biology, that Bacteria cannot grow in alcohol, right? So it ought to be a draw. But we also learned that mutations can and do occur, creating resistant strains of bacteria. So there's a couple of guys that form and grow. And if that rate is anything above 0, then winner, bacteria.
Triple Threat: Chaim Potok vs. Melba Beals Patillo vs. Tim O'Brien
Tim O' Brien, the bastard that he is, comes out like a raging bull. He knocks down both of them, and starts laughing psychotically. But before he can apply the finishing blow, he has a relapse about Nam, and starts breaking down. That's all Melba needs, and she lays the smack down on Tim, with a giant splash. Now it is Melba's turn to gloat. And that's when Chaim comes flying in with a Potok to the spine, and Melba is down. But Melba is a Warrior, she don't cry. She don't cry, uh uh, she don't cry. Oooooo, it ain't Melba's fault. So Melba gets up, and starts fighting Chaim. But Chaim is having none of this. He draws on his Potok powers. "I AM THE CHOSEN!!!!!" And power bombs Melba into oblivion! Winner is Chaim!
I have come to the conclusion that my matches more or less suck this week. I won't waste anymore time with them. I need to be inspired. Inspire me folks. Inspire.
Regardless of the quality of the matches, I will say that today's Bip Report has been one of the biggest ever. Fang has shaven his head. Nuff said.
Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is Trashhead.
BIP