Okay, the Bip Report is in effect. Good news folks! Tripton has agreed to let me use the match-ups. In the spirit of Monday Night RAW, every Monday will be match-up day, where I will put up new match-ups. So without further ado, here are two Tripton matches, and two of my own."Matches"
1 human vs. orangatang: ok, no question here, right mike? Mike and i had a good little debate about this during a hike last year. it was a unanimous vote that the monkey would decimate the human. It can climb anywhere, and it's choke fast and aggressive, and if you combine that with a arm reach of about 10ft, you're pretty much fucked. There is only one chance for a human to win though. you have to take it's eyes out. We figure it'll still beat the shit out of you with one arm or one leg, but with no vision, i think it's possible for humanity to prevail.Willow vs.10 oompaloompas: willow will start off by knocking them off guard with some shitty slight of hand magic trick. The oompaloompas are choke dumb, so they are mezmerized. And you know willow is a peaceful guy, so he'll try to outwit them. He moves a box around with his little magic piece of shit twig, and tells them he's a god, just like C-3PO in Return of the Jedi. Willow walks off victorious until he bends over to take a drink in their river of cholocate. Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh SHIT! the Oompaloompas get pissed, and they start hissing and growling like little dogs, cause their mad. That fucker polluted all the chocolate with his germs. So they all jump on him and force chocolate down his throat untill he dies.
These are my matches.
Scott Aoki with a car vs. any racoon
Crap, is there any debate? Scott would just run the poor guy over. Then he'd get out, and laugh at it. When the racoon's wife and young come out and see the terrible sight, Scott would get back in the car, and proceed to run them over too. You bastard Scott!ET vs. Ally McBeal baby
This would truly be a devastating battle. Both of these f---ers are ugly as hell, and they both can traumatize anyone. The Baby would come out to his "Oombachaka" song, and be all dancing around. ET would see this, and start talking in his f---ed up voice. The Baby would be perturbed by this, and go in for some karate robot-jitsu action. He would hack ET's skinny body to nothing, but before ET is killed, he would make his finger glow and do his healing crap. ET would be pissed, and his bony arms would flail everywhere, and knock down the Baby. The battle would continue like this until the Baby and ET eventually kill each other. The winner: Humanity.Bip vs. the Entire DC Staff
For this battle, we''l pretend that the DC folks have finally caught me stealing a loaf of bread or something. One of them shouts, "Hey! You're the f---er that keeps stealing cereal and milk!" The DC people are choke angry about this, and gather around for the kill. Things look bad for me, but I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. Literally. I pull out some knives I was "liberating" from my sleeves, and chase them into serving area. At the serving area, they see someone attempt to order three entrees, and they are split between who to unleash their fury upon. Half of them pursue the 3 entree miscreant, and I am left with about 5 guys to deal with. I run back, get an ice cream cone, and leave the machine on, causing soft serve to spill all over the floor, and three of them slip on it. The only guys left are the evil lady, and the satanic guy with a braided beard. I head for the door, but they are gaining. I am forced to pull out my bag of coco puffs, and dump them on the floor. The satanic guy does one of those cartoon like slips on the hundreds of little sweeeeet, chocolate puffs and is out of the race. I only have the evil lady left, between me and the door. But luckily, as I'm leaving, Terri is holding a loaf of raisin bread, and Carey is attempting to take a half eaten sandwich out. The lady is forced to bitch out Carey, and takes the half-eaten sandwich. Then she grabs the loaf of bread from Terri. She turns to get me, but it is too late. I am out the door and heading for TC with two bottles of milk to spare.I'm not yet at Tripton's level of battles, but hopefully, I'll get it up there.
"Mun Update"
By the way, on the Castro, guess who we saw? No, not Mun. But we DID see Mun's girlfriend, and that one Moanalua girl. But no Mun! Where is he? Was he out pimpin? Was he kickin his game? Tired of Karen already? Mun, that playa!"Bip's Girl Theory"
There are three types of Asian guys at Berkeley. You have your OG Korean, your FOB Chinese, and you have me, Greg, Carey, and Reese. If you are an Asian girl at Berkeley wanting an Asian guy, logic would say that us four guys are really your only option. So why do we not have these girls? Why does Reese's "Most Beautiful Asian Girl He has Ever Seen in His Life" constantly elude us? In theory, we should be covered with ladies, but no. This is not so. Crap."Skinny Guys Lifting"
I went lifting today with Gayna. In the weight room, I see this skinny guy lifting. There is no problem with this, since I am also a skinny guy lifting. However, this skinny guy is in a wife-beater, and has a giant tatoo on his arm. What the hell is he thinking? Who does he think he is? Crap! My general rule is, you need to be twice as big as me before you have the right to show off in this fashion. I was ready to go up to this guy and say, "What the hell are you thinking? Do you realize how skinny you are?" I was tempted to tie this guy to the lat pull-down machine, and let him dangle in the air. I think two plates would be adequate to achieve this.Well that's all for today. Until next time, diamonds are forever and so are Tripton Match-ups.
BIP