Welcome to the Bip Report.
"At the tone, the time will be..."
10:30. That is when I am sending this out. What does that mean? That means I am not watching RAW. Why am I not watching RAW? Because the cable company has switched the USA network to another channel, one that we cannot pick up with the basic cable package the University gives. This is extremely piss-offable. It just makes me mad. It makes me even more pissed to know that RAW is no doubt being pre-empted for some crap channel like BayTV or something. Like those channel 50's in Hawaii, that have all that crap about community activities and that one greased up, long hair, jerry curl church guy, and the educational stuff for 6 year olds that have about zero budget (ie cable access TV).
That is what RAW has no doubt been replaced by. ARGH!!!!
"Match-Ups"
Well no bears this time. They are already proven to be dominant. However, here are some other matches to contemplate. First, we have a tournament for the second best land animal. Send your suggestions on who you think would win of the two winners and why. The finals match is next week.
"1st seed Tiger vs. 4th seed Rhino"
Well this is a blow out. The bull would charge, all enraged. But the tiger is just too quick. It avoids the rhino, then pounces and brings it down, as if the bull were some kind of crappy wildebeast. The Tiger, thus crippling the rhino, proceeds to rip it to shreds with it's massive canines and claws. Okay, maybe the rhino wouldn't fall, but it would still be shredded apart, slowly. The rhino would never be able to match quickness with the tiger, and would eventually lose.
"2nd seed Gorilla vs. 3rd seed Elephant"
This is an interesting match. For one, there is the Silverback Gorilla, all mighty and strong. Then there is the huge as anything African Elephant. For this battle, the elephant starts off with a charge. The gorilla could sidestep the charge, but then what? He doesn't have the claws to slash the elephant's think skin. His teeth are big, but that is too impractical. So what to do? The elephant would continue using it's girth to try to flatten out the gorilla, and would probably come close. If that head butt catches the gorilla, it's over. The gorilla would fall over and get trampled.
But the gorilla would do this. The gorilla grabs onto the elephant's tusks, as the elephant tries to rush the gorilla. Then the gorilla starts bashing the elephant's head with his fists, as he stands on the tusk holding firmly on with his other hand. Sooner or later, this wears out the elephant, and the elephant falls over. Either that, or the tusk breaks off, and the elephant bleeds to death. The elephant cannot hit the gorilla, since he is hanging on his tusk. If the trunk comes the gorilla's way, the gorilla can just grab that, and start bashing it against the elephant's head too. Gorilla is the winner.
Next week will be tiger vs. gorilla. Don't forget your suggestions.
"Original Decepticons Starscream, Thundercracker, and Skywarp vs. Second Generation Cyclonus and Skeets"
This battle pits the old Decepticon jets led by Starscream against the post-movie Decepticon jets. Obviously, the post-movie jets are of superior technology. But that might not make the difference.
The Skeets are all pretty crappy. Basically they got turned from cool individual jets into crappy identical flying things. Sure they have lasers, but I bet they get worked by Thundercracker and Skywarp. The autobots work the Skeets like nothing else. They become the guys that they can shoot down every episode to make it look like action. You don't see even Optimus Prime himself shoot down Decepticon Jets. So those guys would get worked.
Then you have Cyclonus vs. Starscream. I believe Cyclonus was once Soundwave, and then Unicron turned him into Cyclonus. But Cyclonus is nowhere near as rough as Soundwave. I mean he doesn't have tapes or nothing. He looses half his power. And Starscream's gun is choke powerful. Guaranteed he sends this mishapen Soundwave back to the Cybertron scrap heap.
In general, old Transformers kick the second generations ass. I pretty much was pissed at Unicron for changing everyone. What the hell was he thinking? Damn fool. And what the hell is up with Cup? Since when is he a grizzled war veteran? I never saw him around for the first generation. How does he get to be a veteran? Stupid second generation. Originals Transformers kick ass.
"Starscream, Thundercracker, Skywarp vs. Rick Hunter, Max Sterling, Miriya Parina"
Well this is a better battle. Actually, it is not. The Robotech Defense Force would kick the Decepticons ass. In fact, change that title.
"Decepticons vs. SDF-1 and original Macross Team"
Okay, the Decepticons would get their ass kicked. Sure, the Decepticons bring in heavy hitters like Constructicons merge into Devastator, Stunticons merge into Brutucus, Predacons merge into Predacus, Tripticon, Insecticons, Sixshot, Triple Changers, Head Masters, etc. But they would just get their ass handed to the by the RDF. Let's face it. Decepticons can't aim for s---. In all their battles with the autobots, the only time they ever kill any autobot is in the movie. Otherwise, they are constantly shooting and missing. Meanwhile, has Max Sterling ever missed a shot? No. It is over like that. And does the SDF-1 have to bust out the Daedalus Manuevar on Tripticon? Pray that it never comes to that, or Tripticon is one f---ed up dinosaur city. And if all else fails, Macross Cannon? Maybe arm reflex warheads, fire, Omni-directional barrier, and it's over like that.
The SDF-1 takes out 4.8 million Zentradi warships with the destructive force of a small nova. The Decepticons cannot defeat the Autobots. The battle is over very quickly.
"Admiral Ackbar vs. Nien Numb"
Admiral Ackbar is the fish guy in Return of the Jedi. He is the commander of the Rebel Fleet. Nien Numb is the stupid looking guy that cannot talk, and is paired with Lando Calrisian on the attack against the second Death Star. This one will just be a fist fight.
Ackbar: So, you have come to fight, Nien Numb?
Nien: Wodabada maka maka hooniau.
Ackbar: What?! Prepare all fists to punch!
Nien: Ga ahhh!!!!
Ackbar goes in for the punch, sensing Nien Numb's fear. But wait! What's this? Nien sidesteps Ackbar, and gets ready to plant one on Ackbar's slimy fish head!
Ackbar: Look out! It's a trap!
Nien: Mobuduba bagawa. Hehehe.
Nien swings. He connects! Ackbar is down!
Ackbar: Ah! I have to retreat! My skin can't repel firepower of that magnitude!
Suddenly, Lando busts into the arena.
Lando: Admiral! You're not going to get another chance at this! You can beat him! You've got to give yourself more time!
Ackbar: I hope you're right about this General Calrisian.
Ackbar gets up, and prepares to fight again.
Nien: Moobadeeba doop wap duba dee.
Lando: Admiral! Concentrate all flipper power on that head!
Ackbar: That's suicide, General Calrisian!
Lando: Yeah, well maybe you can take him with you.
Ackbar agrees, and charges Nien tackling him down! He unleashes a fury of flippers on Nien's skull.
Ackbar: Ha ha ha.
Nien: Ick aba do boppa doop!
Ackbar: I have you now, Nein!
But as Ackbar goes for the kill, Nien goes on a last ditch effort to and attempts to sink his teeth into Ackbar's giant fish eye! But his folds of skin over his lips get in the way! He can't bite down! Ackbar knocks Nien down, and finishes him off, with the dreaded Calamari "Flipper of Death!" Admiral Ackbar is the winner!
Okay, that's all for now. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is RAW, even though I can never watch until summer.
BIP