Welcome to the Bip Report.
"Intense Millipede"
I start off today with a little story about some intense millipede action that was going on in Davis. Scott's roommate had "Arcade Classics" on playstation, including milipede. We all know milipede, where you are a little pointy thing, and you shoot the milipede and the spiders and the mushrooms, right? So me and Mark Uyemura sat down for a a nice game. And let me tell you, that was one intense game. I don't remember it being so fast, but that milipede was coming down like lightning, and the spider and crap, was blazing. I was forced to duck and jive, dodging them behind mushrooms and stuff. It was fast-paced action. The action was so intense as to wake up sleeping Monica that agreed that this was indeed an intense game of Milipede. Even Christina, who was supposed to be studying, but fell asleep, woke up, because the game was just that intense. Then we played this game called "Crystal Palace" where you are this bear, and you collect these red pellets. It is frickin crazy.
"Match-Ups"
Okay, let's do the match-ups.
"Carey Lew vs. Shang - the guy from Mulan"
The battle begins with both of combatants facing each other. The drums start rolling.
Carey: Let's get down to business! Do defeat, ksh ksh, the Shang.
Shang: Did they send me Caaarey? When I asked...for men?
Carey: You're the saddest punk I've ever met, but you can bet, before I'm through.
Shang: Somehow I'll...make a man...out of Lew!
Carey: Traaanquil as a forest. But a fire. Within.
Shang: I have found my center! I am sure...to win!
Carey: You're a weak and pale, pathetic lot. And you haven't..got a clue.
Shang: Somehow I'll...make a man...out of Lew!!!
Carey comes in with a big kick, as his soccer skills tell him to do. But Shang is just to fast, and slams him down with his stick. Carey is slow to get up...
Carey (thinking): Time is racing towards me...til Shang...arrives.
Shang: If you yield to me now. Then you might...survive! You're unsuited for the rage of war, so pack up, go home, you're through! How could I...make a man...out of Lew?
Be a man!
Carey gets up, and takes a swing at Shang, he hits!
You must be swift as the coursing river. Be a man!
Carey hits him again, Shang is teetering!
With all the force of a great typhoon! Be a man!
Carey connects with a big uppercut! Shang is almost down!
With all the strength of a raging fire!
Carey comes with a huge kick! Shang is down!!!
Mysterious as the dark side..OF THE MOOOOOON!!!!
Carey is the winner!!!
"Outkast vs. Outter-wordly Threat"
Aliens have invaded Earth! It is up to Outkast to protect us! Dun, dun, dun, dun ahhhhh haaaaah, hush that fuss, everybody move to the back of the buuus. Andre comes out donning the football pads and army helmet, while Big Boi gets on his finest alien fighting apparel. Outkast has always believed they were battling outter-wordly forces with their lyrical styles, and now is their chance to do their damage! We will say the aliens are all tentacly and green with many eyes. There are swarms of them, and they plan to overun the Earth on sheer numbers! But Outkast is not scared. This is their chance! Big Boi comes up, with the old skool flava to the new skool fools, he skews them on the barbie, he ain't playin to lose. But the aliens fight back with acid spit and whatnot. Big Boi is down! Andre comes up. He starts busting rhymes, and the aliens are taken aback by this lyrical attack. They start melting with this mind overload! They cannot handle the intense lyrics! Big Boi gets up, and joins in with his rythm and beat. He starts bulldogging them aliens like them Georgetown Hoyas, and doing donuts round them suckas like them circles around titties. Damn, hes the committee, and burns them down. His rappin skills so much, the aliens fall to the ground. The aliens start disintegrating from the high-paced lyrics. Outkast pours it on! And the aliens are slowly being beaten back, when suddenly, they fire their giant death rays! It looks like trouble for Outkast, but Andre meets a gypsy and stimulate and activates his left and right brain. This gives him superhuman mental powers, and he destroys the aliens with kinetic mindwaves, projecting his rap through all of space! Winner is Outkast!
"Ben Fisher vs. Nick Lee - My interpretation of 140 ILH championship match"
In this match, we see Happy's brother Ben take on Mang Nick Lee. The match starts off slow, as Ben is repulsed by Nick Lee's ugly Mang-ness. Nick Lee, on the other hand, is choke intimidated of Ben's 10-pack. The first round results in nothing. Second round begins, and Ben escapes from Nick Lee. Nick Lee's eyes get choke huge, and he is stunned as hell that Ben has escaped. "That's right you ugly Mang!" says Ben. Nick Lee is pissed, but he can do nothing to Ben for the rest of the period. The third period begins, Nick Lee on bottom. Ben lets Nick go, in order to embarass him. Ben proceeds to take Nick down, and let him up again. Then Ben takes Nick down one more time, and rubs his ugly face into the mat. Ben is your winner 5-2.
"James "Maverick" Mang vs. Indian Casino Dealers"
Alright man! What you gonna do? How much you wanna bet, huh? Double it down, pick it up, bam, bam! James looks calmly at his hand. The stakes are $100. Hit me. 16. Hit. 21. I think I will stand. The Vietnamese lady is pissed. Why do you do this?! We are the ones who suffer from this! James dismisses this, and lets the next dealer rotate in. Stakes raised, $1000. The new Vietnamese guy puts down James' cards. Hit. 15. Hit. 20. James stands. Vietnamese dealer shows 12. Come on! habibe, habibe, habibe! Hit. 22, bust. Aw come on man! I say habibe 3 times! James wins again. The final dealer comes out. The stakes are now $10,000. The chinese lady slides her cards under the little light sensor. Haha! I have 20! She says to mock James. Hmm. Thinks James. He has 19. I double down, he tells the lady. HA! You are stupid! You are dumb! She slides the card out, and lays it down. 2! James wins! He has defeated the shady Asian employees of the Indian Reservation!
"MacGuyver vs. Huey, Dewey, and Louie with the Jr. Woodchuck Guidebook"
This is clearly a battle for the ages. MacGuyver starts by making a laser out of his pen, a contact lens, and a matchbook and fires that sucker at the nephews. Quackeroonie! They shout, getting out of the way just in time. The Jr. Woodchuck guidebook says, to defeat a laser made out of a pen, a contact lens, and a matchbook, douse laser with water! So they lead MacGuyver to Uncle Scrooge's pool, and put out the laser. MacGuyver is not to be dettered by this. He creates a powerful vacuum to suck up the boys with the pool snake, a knife, and a bit of duct tape. The nephews counter by shooting marbles at the reverse valve, and get blown to Scrooge's money bin. MacGuyver follows, and makes a bomb using gold, Scooge's desk, and a light bulb. But the Jr. Woodchuck guidebook tells the boys that the best way to stop such a bomb is by short circuiting the electricity. So they plug the bomb into an electric outlet. I am thinking this match goes on for days, with MacGuyver chasing Huey, Dewey, and Louie all around Duckburg. There is no end to this one. We have a draw.
"Prep Beat"
For those of you who don't know, Punahou won the State Title for boys basketball. Meanwhile, in ILH championship wrestling, Ben Fisher took first, by beating Nick Lee. Princavalli, also got first. Michael Lee got second, as did Sean Nakamura, and Randall "Pride of '01" Mizuno. Todd Fujie got third, and Welch worked Robles, and pinned him to get first. Punahou finished fourth, Kam 1st, Iolani 2nd, St. Louis 3rd.
"Kim Shimamoto"
In a bit of sad news, Kim Shimamoto, sister of classmate Jill Shimamoto, is now going out with Nick Lee. This is a very sad thing indeed. How did such a thing happen? Ben beating Nick Lee brings memories of Yoshioka pinning Mia's boyfriend. But still, I am left to wonder, how, and better yet, why Kim, why? All logic escapes me on this one. Nick Lee is just an ugly, dumb Mang. You can do MUCH better than that, Kim.
On a happier note, Kim also won Brown Bags and is the Punahou representative. Kim is just full of surprises, isn't she? She upset Reid Kapapa and company. Yasmeen, the awesome singer, is not allowed to compete, cause she won last time.
Okay, that's all for now. Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so is Ben Fisher.
BIP