Welcome to the Bip Report.
"The Bench Ohana - D-D-C you there or Turn on the E-mail, to the DDC"
Scott has said that he wants some advertising for the Bench Ohana. What is the Bench Ohana? It is a weekly thing brought to you by Scott Aoki. However, unlike the Bip Report, the Bench Ohana is written by members of the DDC and FFC. Common writers are Tripton, Josh, and Troy, among others. The Bench Ohana is always good. For subscriptions, write Scott at [email protected]
"RAW Report"
Because Keishi demanded it. I will start including a RAW report on Monday. Today's RAW was filmed in San Jose. I wanted to go to this one, but like my Price is Right plan, this one fell through.
Anyway, RAW went like this.
The Road Dogg beat Val Venis to become the new IC Champion.
JR is choke pissed at the WWF, and has created his "pirate radio" booth. He constructed a JR table in front of the regular table. It featured a logo that said "JR" in the style of the new WWF logo. And the front said "JR is Raw." I would have liked it better if it said "JR is War." But whatever.
The Undertaker stalked McMahon's house for the whole night.
Sable gave a big push to her appearance in Playboy magazine. The WWF says it is the best selling issue of Playboy ever. This was followed by The King taking a tour of the Playboy mansion. This was funny as hell, because the King was going nuts. This is also when my roommate, Danny started taking a particular interest in RAW. This whole thing was concluded with Tori coming out and challenging Sable for the women's belt in Wrestlemania XV. Then Tori gratuitiously stripped down to bra and panties for the camera.
Bad Ass beat Hardcore Holly for the WWF Hardcore championship. The way he won was funny. He threw him into JR's table, and broke it. Good stuff.
HHH challenged Kane for trying to shoot a fireball at him on RAW last week. McMahon came out to ask Kane for help against the Undertaker. But it turned out Kane was the Undertaker in a Kane outfit. "Just like that McMahon. Anytime. Anyplace." And left.
The last match was Austin/Mankind vs. The Rock aka Dwayne/Paul Wight. It was alright. There was much action and The Rock outdid himself with the Corporate Elbow. It was awesome. But the match ran out of time.
"Match Ups"
"5 humans vs. a sea lion"
I am not sure if that is the correct name for this beast. They are the ones that hang out at Pier 39 in SF. Anyway, I thought of this match after reading Josh's thing about the sea otter. I remember going to Pier 39 with Scott, Christina, Jana, Sunny, and Berkeley folks last sememester, and I was wondering if I could take on one of those guys. Possibly Jana, Scott, or Christina told me, "Bip. That thing is like 500 pounds. It would destroy you." My argument was that all it can do is sit on its ass all day. Me and Scott speculated that half of them were dead carcasses and animatronic robots. But I guess it is true that they are big, and that they have big teeth and stuff. So 5 people vs. one sea lion.
If the people approach from a distance, it will be all good. If you can find rocks and stuff, I guarantee 5 people can peg that thing to death, and it wouldn't do a damned thing. However, if there are no such objects, and the humans had to go in and physically handle it, then it would be trouble. First of all, the sea lion would be just cruising...until you step on its floating thing. Then alllll hell breaks loose. That thing would be barking and moving like a madman, cause oh s---, ain't no one taking his floating thing! That's when he would start butting people off, with his half ton girth. Basically, a person has no chance of going face to face vs. this thing. It is just too big. One person would have to serve as decoy, while the others jump on its back. Punching and kicking its body does no good, cause the thing is all fat and insulated. The other four would have to punch and kick its head. That is the only way. If they do this, I am sure that 5 people can destroy a sea lion.
"Micheal Cole vs. Good Ole JR"
I think it is clear that Good Ole JR would beat the crap out of Michael Cole. Then The Rock would run up, and say, "Damn it Micheal Cole! Why don't you just know your damn role, and shut your mouth!" And slap him. Anyway, JR is just superior to Michael Cole in every way. Even the King likes JR better. If last weeks RAW wasn't proof enough, then I don't know what is. A better match is Micheal Cole vs. Kevin Kelly. I think Micheal Cole would win that, because Kevin Kelly is only good for wrestlers to harrass. Such as, "Congratulations, Road D..." "Get out of here! Your inerview is over!" And throwing him out. At least Micheal Cole gets to talk.
"Old Trailer vs. New Trailer"
At first glance, it seems like this is no contest. The second trailer is superior to the first in many ways. You get to see choke action. You get to see Obi-Wan as the frickin man of the Universe. You get to see battle scenes. Etc. But then you have to take into consideration the shock value. After seeing the first trailer, I could not even move. I was just paralyzed with an overwhelming sense of awe and happiness. While the second trailer produced a similar effect, it was in no way comparable to the absolute euphoria over the first one. I was like, "Can't...move....pleasure...overload." The second one was more like, "Oh...my...goodness. This is the greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my life." But I could still yet move, and function as a regular person.
In all then, the second trailer wins in content, but the first wins in overall value. Needless to say, both are the true choices for Best Picture. Saving Private Ryan? Pshh. The winner is Trailer 1.
"Rick Hunter vs. Lynn Kyle"
This is the match that every Robotech fan would pay good money to see. This is because Rick would undoubtedly kick Lynn Kyle's whiney ass from here to kingdom come. I am sure every Robotech fan has this match already seen in their head. Therefore, I will not press the subject further. Rick would win. The means are up to you, although I suggest the use of Skull One shooting him, after Rick has beaten him to be incorporated.
"Bip vs. Malia and her Ministry of Forwarding Darkness"
Yes, I do see that this next match can be directly applied to how people feel about the Bip Report. But you can always cancel, and I've always said that. Incidentally, I enjoy burning bridges (but all this is in good fun, and in spite of the fact that Malia doesn't read the Bip Report).
Malia's Ministry of Forwarding Darkness has long polluted the world of E-mail with its sinister and pointless forwards that serve no mean. Whent he brave Bip one day challenged this Ministry, he was strucken down by the slings and arrows of Malia's Minions. These Minions include Nolan, Roger Dunn, and some girl named Teresa. Jeff is excused because he did it in fun. And Julie later apologized. So it is Bip and a mystery partner vs. Malia, Nolan, Roger, and Teresa.
Malia - Okay guys. This forward is soooo funny. I goootta send it everyone. Fw, Fw, Fw, Fw.
Bip - Eh Chica. You trying to jack me around here? I'm challenging you right here for the end of Forwarding.
Malia - Wait. I don't get it. Okay. So you want me to fight against you.
Bip - Yes this is correct. Don't overanalyze this though. It is plain and simple. Stop the forwards.
Malia (pissed) - Wait, why do you always say I overanalyze things? I don't get it. Shut up already, Bip. Here. Fight my Ministry of Darkness. (Enter Ministry)
Bip - Hey. Alright. (Nolan, Roger, and Teresa approach)
Bip - But hey. I got a my secret partner.
Malia - Oh yeah? Where is he? I don't see anyone.
Bip - He's right there.
Nolan - Haha! I tricked you, Malia! I was never part of your stupid Ministry of Forwarding Darkness! I hereby decry your stupid forwards! I too am sick and tired of them!
Malia - Oookay. I don't belieeeve that! Get him too, MInistry! (The Ministry draws closer)
Bip - Roger Dunn, get your roody poo candy ass out of The Bip's way, or I'll lay the smack down on you every which way.
Roger - Ho, man. I'm just trying to increase the peace. You gotta have respect.
Bip - Respect this! (Bip knocks down Roger) And now it's time...
Nolan - For the most Electrifying move in E-mail entertainment today...
Bip - The Bip Report Elbow!
Nolan - And now for you, stupidhead Teresa, who we don't even know. (Bip and Nolan double clothesline her outta here).
Bip - Now it is just Malia. But with your Ministry destroyed, I have but one message for you to take. Stop the insanity! No more forwards! I don't want to see no forward about some cockroach in a Taco Bell enchilada (which looks an awful lot like "Kentucky Fried Rat" story). I don't want no send this to 10 people and a funny video will appear on your screen. None of that! Don't send it this way! And if you're still down with forwards, then I got two words for ya.
Nolan - SUCK IT!!!
Until next time, diamonds are forever, and so AREN'T forwards.
BIP